Mommy Creed

Because my best friend asked me to blog. I dedicate this quick one to my LP. I was inspired by the Toddler Creed to create this:

Mommy Creed

If I want it, I have to wait.


If I gave it to them and I change my mind later, to late.

If I take it away from them it's choosing a battle.

If I had it a little while ago, I better remember where I left it.

If it's mine, it will soon be shared, no matter what.

If we are eating something together, the meal will soon be theirs.

If it looks like I am resting, they will need something.

If I have extra time I am late.

Anniversary

I have posted 192 posts in four years. I have not been as current as I would like. I have lagged this year. I am grateful for social media as I use it for my quick thoughts. It is my memory bank. I return to it later and journal here. Hey, at least I am showing up. I warn you not to expect much in terms of your baby books. Those are bare bones.

Anyway, when I started this for you boys I didn't know what life it would take. I am proud of the stories in here. I randomly click through and get midday laughs or a late night cry. In these posts is a treasure trove of memories. I was creating a gift for you, but now I see it is a gift to me.

Many people tell me to enjoy these days. It goes by so quickly. I will want it back and miss these crazy times. ETC. You know what? I may not be able to physically return to this place in time, but I revisit it vividly here. When I read through this blog it allows me to return to those far away days. In my words I return to the place, time, smell and surroundings as if I were back in time. I am blessed to have recorded this time in our lives together. I am realizing it does go by fast-- way to fast.

Parents say they will not forget the milestones or what at the time seems like a large event. However, these "large" events eventually are over shadowed by larger (more current) milestones and events. Eventually, what we  thought we would not forget we do. I know this because of the stories I have recorded here. I reread and it takes me back. I am reminded of what I have forgotten.

I am so grateful to have created this. I cannot be disappointed that I have been relaxed the better part of the year, for it is the keeper of us. I look forward to the pages in our life, which are unwritten; and a time when I can return to this place and relive those pages. I love you boys arms are extended and I am circling my chair. I love your guts. I love your faces. This is is for us.

Happy 4th anniversary to our story.

Trucks Are For Girls?

Kaden's PM Conversaton...

 (We are driving down Thiessen, which is under a paving project and we are stoped along side many tractors and dump trucks.)
M: Look out your window boys. Do you see all of those machines? Holy pineapple. What do you think each does?
K: Wow, Mama. That is neat. What is that dump truck gonna do?
M: I have no idea. You just have to watch.
K: Whoa, baby. Huh. No. Wait. Stop! THAT'S A GIRL DRIVNG THAT BIG TRUCK, Mama!
M: See, girls can do anything that boys can do. We can drive truck even big ones.
K: Well, Mom I don't think Dada is going to let you drive his.
M: Kade, I choose not to drive Dad's truck. I make that choice.
K: No. Dad says you can't drive it. I hear him say it. It is Dada's not yours. Sorry about your luck Mama.

Kaden The Glamourous

Kade you really enjoy dress up. You talk more on the "phone" than any girl I have ever known. You are a silly and carefree little guy. You are constantly using your imagination. You bring me laughter, belly laughter, each day.

Never Lost

Kadens am conversation:

As we were on our way to swim I got lost. I was rasied in Oregon City, but I can no longer remember how to get to landmark locations! I am starting to get lost in my own hometown.

M: I am lost. Holy bananas. Where am i?
K: Mama, you are not lost! You are right here!
M: Oh kade. I know. I can't find....(he interupts).
K: I won't ever loose you. I will keep my eyes open.

Tada Tata

Kaden pm conversation:
M: Tata gave you and ashton these adventure bags. You can put your treasures in them. like feathers, acorns and rocks when we are out and about.
K: (He has the strap across his body and as he takes it off he says w a smile): It smells like Tata.
M: Does Tata smell good or bad?
Kade: She smells good! He says theis with a gigantic familiar and comforted smile.

You two boys have such a special bond with Auntie Lynda. It makes me beam. I am glad to have her as a source of comfort, love and laughter in our lives. In these short years we have shared countless adventures with her. She is our go to fun girl. You have grown relationships unique to yourselves with her. I love seeing how you look at her. My heart is warmed to know you ask about her almost daily. In your world she is magic. And if history repeats itself she always will be. She still is to me.

Buh-Bye Crib

Ashton's 1st night in his toddler bed. 30 mins down and he has not made a peep!


Ashton's 1st nap in bed went well. He went down at 1245 and I had to wake him a little after 5. Granted, he was passed out on the floor with his pillow, but he never came out or called out for me. Tonight 730 bedtime and he went in without issue. Yay! Proud of the "baby".

Sweet Talker

Kade afternoon conversation:
K: Mama, why do you have those moles?
M: They make me beautiful.
K: Well, they are working. Can you turn up my movie, please?

 Ah, thanks, buddy. I would have turned up the volume without the sweet talk. But I will accept it when ya give it.

Dying

Mid day Kaden conversation...
K: Mama, are we going to die?
N: Kade, we will all go to Heaven, but not for a long-long time.
K: Like when I am old?
N: Like when you are super duper old. You do not have to worry, Mister You are going to live a long life.
NOTHING GETS BY HIM
K: Well, Mama, Jesus wasn't old. Oh. Hey, Mama. When did you get those earings?

 OH. KADE. YOU ALWAYS CHALLENGE ME TO THINK FAST, BUT BE TRUE.

Independant Spirit

Oh, Ashton. You love your brother and want to do what he is doing. Alligator tears when Ashton and I left Kaden at school. Ashton SO SO SO wanted to stay at "stool". Big tears down his face, "Mama, me stay. You go. Go away, Mama!" Soon enough you will be entering school, my baby. And this is a day Mama is NOT ready for. Your independance and confidence is natural to you, so forgive me for wanting you to stay little.

Kind Sensibility

Tonight while at Toysrus a boy was using a gift card to make a purchase. To his upset he would not receive cash for the remainding balance. I was next in line and asked him the card's balance. I paid him the $1.32 and used the card for my purchase. What I viewed as an act of sensibility unraveled a story:

His Mom explained her son planned to use the cash back to buy a bday balloon for his baby sister. I thought this was super sweet and well worth the swap. She continued with such strength as she shared her daughter, his sister, was in Heaven. Tomorrow will be the first birthday since her passing. He wants to send her a wish and is adament to use his money. Thus the upset from the gift card.

 I held back the uncomfortable feeling in my throat and smiled. I gave a look at him and my thoughts instantly turned to our own tender heart, Kaden. I walked over to this little boy crouched down and told him the cashier was "mistaken" as there was actually $6 on the card. I gave him $5. He is now able to send 6 balloons tomorrow... one for each of her years. I will never in all of my life forget his expression. I stood up and walked away without pause before the tears fell.

I was following the Golden Rule, which I learned in the 4th grade (Thanks, Ms. J!) May I practice it more often. May we ALL practice it more often. Doing so offers many-many possibilities.

1st Day of School

Amazing... 4s class drop off went so well. Kaden you were off and running. As I look at the familiar classmates I can see how much difference summer break makes. They are calmer and taller. My how you have grown. Everyone is noticing your sprouting. Last year, I stayed and it was a hard goodbye. Today, it was old habit. I cannot believe the difference.

No tears this year, for either of us!

I left within moments of dropping you off. I thought you would need me, so we left Ashton at the Church's. How wrong I was. The boy who stands at my side was off exploring and jumping into play without reservation. I was proud. I can see you have grown more confident. You are gaining a better understanding of the world. You look to me for assurance, but not for approval, but more to show me you are aware. Being a witness to this change has given me relief. I knew you would bloom. You have grown. This year is going to be so much fun creating and strengthening friendships. Learning new ideas and forming your own thoughts.

 

Let the fun of preschool begin!

Argh, Kade is Four

Today Kade turns four. What does this mean? It means a celebration a day that is surrounded by all things YOU. Here is a look at your day...

 

 

 

A little treasure for our BIG 4 year old to wake to.... Gifts sent from a few people for your to open coins to be found for your penny bank. Cinni rolls for brithday breakfast with a candle.

 

 

Streamers over bedroom door and birthday signs down the hall.

 

 

All you wanted to do was go to Oaks Park and ride the BIG BOY rides that are not open on toddler day.

 

 

The spider was the number one ride on your list. You were so excited to be measured and 4. We tried to explain it isn't your age, but how tall you are. Id didn't matter. You got on and loved it.

 

 

 

You wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel with the cage. Each cage than goes in circles- upside down as the wheel goes around. Dad and I agreed we didn't want you on it. You were not happy. You wanted to ride it so badly. You settled on the traditional Ferris Wheel with Dad. You can see his head in the photo.

 

 

Ashton you were so disappointed not to ride with Bubby and Daddy. You cried the entire time. Dad just was not comfortable having you both up there at the same time. Gg is scared to death of this ride. Take her fast and high she is fine...

 

 

You two do love the motorcycles. I wonder where this was sparked. You are off to get gas.

 

 

 

GG brought you a gift to open!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your very own Go Diego Go costume! You put it on immediately. You wore it the entire day. You wore it to bed and also asked if you could wear it to school the next day. (No, I am not that cool.)

 

 

 

When planning your day you asked for a strawberry cake. Mom delivers. We also chose to grill lunch at the park.

 

 

"Habby birthay, Bubby." He then kissed you.

 

 

GG kicked Team Rardin to the curb on this race.

 

 

 

 

All you wanted to do was the track. I explained all summer that was not included in the day. Daddy decided to surprise you at the very end of day. You two waited in line for 30 minutes. You waited just as you should and had such a great time. You told me it was your favorite thing all day.

 

 

You received several birthday honks as all the cars windows are decorated for you. "Honk for turning 4 TODAY! The Birthday Express is taking off to turning 4!..." When you saw the car in the morning you had such a big smile. You wanted to know what everything read.

 

 

 

It doesn't take long and you are both o.u.t.

 

 

Closing the birthday with family movie night and some popcorn. We were all

cuddled up in bed. The Lorax is the featured film.

 

 

 

Happy happy my sweet Mister Man. It was all things your 4th birthday should be.

 

 

 

WE love you and had the BEST day. Oh, you are a SUPER photographer. This was taken by you!

Student Impressions

A gift is to have a teacher make a life long impression. A blessing is for a student to make this same impression on a teacher. I was just sought out (not via a social network, but the old fashion way!) by a high school teacher's wife! She could not find me, so he tried and succeeded. I am just thrilled. We lost touch in 2006. They are such a gift; and I am as grateful (if not more) for them today as I was 18 years ago.

You never know who will make an impression or who you will impress upon. Those who leave the imprint may never know they did, nor why. I hope in your academics you connect with a teacher early. You will not know it, but it will (it will!) change your life.

Save The Drama For Your Mama

God help us if Kaden has serious injury. Today he took a fall on our walkway and scratched his knee. There was no wound. It was a couple dots of an area that had blood bubbling, but nothing dripping. He said he could not walk inside. He is three, so I totally understand. I want to clean the area, so I set him down on the kitchen counter.

He is tense. His leg is extended and he is huffing and puffing. I get out the peroxide. He asks if it is going to hurt. I explain what will happen and no it won't hurt. I look at him and remind him that I always tell him the truth. It may feel cold, but it will not hurt. I dump it on him. He laughs at the bubbles.

I get out neosporin and a bandaid. He explains that one isn't enough. He gets three. I put the ointment on the bandaid. Again, he asks if it will hurt. I tell him it may be uncomfortable because I need to place pressure on the bandaid. He has to be super brave, but he will be okay. No tears. He is all set to play.

I put him down on the kitchen floor. He immediately collapses and in an exhausted voice says he can no longer walk. He lays down and starts fanning himself with his hand. "Mama, I am hot. I am so hot. You know I don't like to be hot." He is getting very worked up. His coloring is pale. His skin and lip tone are now one color. His skin clammy. Is he going to pass out on me?

I try to hold back my smile and smirky "yeah right, Kaden" laugh. He is squirming all about the floor. He is getting himself all worked up over this "injury". I tell him he needs to go into his room and lay down. I take him in there. I remove his shirt. He asks me to turn on the fan. I do. The fan is on full speed aimed towards his face. He asks for the other fan. I fetch it. He demands cold water from the fridge and a cool wash cloth for his head. I bring back both.

There he is all laid up with two fans and a wet cloth draped over his face as pathetic as one can look. He is whining and gasping for air.

Thirty minutes goes by.

"Hey Mama. I can walk!" It is a miracle. I roll my eyes and get up to hug him.

He is so my kid. I have the dramatics and he is learning early. However, he better save it for me. He is getting to good at the drama and I'd hate for people to start believing his ploys! 

Shadows

Kaden you are so your Daddies shadow and right behind you is your bubby, Ashton. Ashton you have such awe for Kaden. You two are such good mates. I love watching my three boys together.

Grateful

When I look around I see I have so much to be grateful.
When I listen to the noise I hear I have much to be grateful.
When I touch the mess I feel I have much to be grateful.

Because of you, my senses are heightened and I am forever grateful.
I give an eternal thank you for giving me a renewed feeling of life.

I didn't (really) know the world until I became your Mom.

This year we chose to participate in our first community Easter Egg Hunt. We chose the church down the road as it is in our neighborhood. Daddy was unable to attend due to work, so we recruited GG as our Easter hand.

The front lawn was filled with eggs ready for 1-3 year old toddler hands to collect. As we waited the two of you were so patient. The parents were more competitive and planning the collection mission. The pastor announced it was time to begin, but requested parents not pickup eggs. Kaden, you went for the egg Mom suggested be your first pick- good listening! Ashton you and GG set out together. Once you saw egg into hand into basket you were in. It was package opening once you get stated you were on a gathering mission. You both did well.

You picked up three special prize eggs. You chose three special gifts from the prize table. Once it was time to go Kaden you wanted another! Thank goodness Auntie Larissa and Uncle Jake host an annual event.

Easter Bunny Interests

EASTER BUNNY! EATER BUNNY! COME OUT. COME OUT WHERE EVER YOU ARE…” Kaden is yelling through cupped hands in the middle of the mall. It appears the ole E.B. is on a break. Kaden continues yelling through his cupped hands around his mouth as he circles the area looking up and down and through the spring scene of flowers and trees.

“I’ve got a great idea!” he states. “Why don’t I sit right here and wait?” He hops up onto the bench where he has seen the Easter Bunny the three previous visits to the mall. He sits and waits. I am grateful the yelling and bunny hunt came to an end. Soon here comes the bunny and his helper. She obviously recognizes him from our last visit. She gives a big grin in my direction and the bunny waves to Kaden.

I inhale deeply and hope we don’t repeat the conversation from last week. Let me recap:

Where are all of your babies?” He asks the Easter Bunny. He looked all around. I explained he may not have any babies.

“Easter Bunny? Easter Bunny? Why are you not talking to me?!” He is becoming annoyed.

He curiously speaks, “I just wanna know where your pee-pee is.”

Wait. What? Did he just say…? Yes he did. I just heard him repeat himself.

The helper laughed out loud. The Easter Bunny who doesn’t speak utters a few audible noises.

I tell Kade we need to leave. I bring no attention to what he said. Kade agrees and waves goodbye. He yells back he mailed a letter to him the day before. Yes, we have ‘mailed’ several notes to Mr. Bunny.

On the way home Kade asks again why the Easter Bunny doesn’t have a pee-pee. He accepts my very simple explanation that all pee-pees are different. Like the girls (our dogs) we cannot see the Easter Bunny’s pee-pee. Thank goodness he was totally 100% okay with this justification.

Returning to our current day visit:

He just wanted to make sure he was getting the letters and wish him a Happy Easter.

This Easter story will become a family classic at all the Easter dinners to come!

All Things Girl

Kaden you and I were shopping at one of my favorite children’s store (The Children’s Place). I was looking for Easter outfits for both you and Ashton. As I was looking around I noticed you snuck a couple rows towards the back. I walked down to see what caught your eye…

“Mama this sure is pretty!” As you extend your arm holding out an adorable shirt. “Oh my, it is, Kade.” The shirt is perfect for a three year old- girl. There you held up a perfect purple top with three dimensional flowers along the collar trailing down the side seam. I would have bought it in an instant if you were not a boy.

“Mama, is it okay if I stay here and yook?” I thought about it for a minute. I like you to be where I can easily see you. I compromised. “Do you think you could come up here near me and look at those items you have not seen?” Being your agreeable self you started back towards the front of the store with me.

You got sidetracked. Just like your Mama you stop in your track for all things shiny. “Mama, I want to stay here and look at these shoooooes.” You say the word shoes very dramatically. I suppose the collection of Mary Jane’s did deserve attention. There was a rack with silver, pink, red and black sparkle Mary Jane’s. Again, I would have popped a pair of each into our bag if appropriate for you to wear. Adorable.

I was near, so I left you to your worship.

I find what I am looking for and ask you to follow me to the register. I watch you as you are sitting on the floor carefully giving each shoe the once over. Touching and looking with awe. “Kade come along it is time to go. Let us check out. We can then go see the Easter Bunny, again!”

You come running and have a solemn look across your face.

“Mama, sometimes I wish I were a girl…”

I crunch down putting my knees to the floor below us both. I set down our shopping bag. I reach out to hold you. I don’t want you to see my smile as I know you are having a serious moment. I always want you to share your feelings without fear of being embarrassed.

“Rardin Adam Kaden, if you were a girl you would no longer be my big boy. I wouldn’t have my special Mister. What would I do with out you?” I hug you a little tighter. You push me away. “No. No. No. I don’t want to be a girl just sometimes.”

Again, I pull you in holding back a chuckle. I give you a kiss on the top of your head and say, “Well, for now you are forever my guy. Let us not keep the Easter Bunny waiting.”

I guess there will always be Halloween and should you choose fraternity days…

Mom Pride

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use. ~Emily Post

Boys, I applaud you. At the ages of two and three you have superior manners to most of my peers. Actually, you have superior manners to those of all ages. You hold a kindness making the world a much sweeter place. You give and not in order to receive. I am amazed that as toddlers you are both graceful and appreciative. This gives me “Mom Pride”.

Daddy and I strive to instill good manners to the both of you. Much like the mama’s and daddies of the south demanding children respectfully refer to elders with Mr. Mrs. or Miss we demand excellence in politesse. We have done so since your first words. I believe in the power of good manners.

Recently, I was given what I consider to be the highest of complements. The preschool teacher came looking for me. She wanted to give her recognition to Kaden’s manners. She shared that in 10 years of teaching she has never had a student (teaches 3-6 year olds) who is as polite and courteous. She shared he gives an automatic thank you for simple tasks to always remembering please when asking or making requests. She continued to tell me that he holds the door open and helps others in need. He is definitely the only child who uses the exchange of excuse me to pass through his classmates. He happily picks up after himself and offers praise to those who follow suit. In this moment I felt my heart grow.

Mom Pride.

Moms will boast with Mom Pride moments throughout their child’s life. I am fortunate to have a repetitive moment. I can honestly write: When we go out and about I will receive one (if not more) compliments on both of your good manners. I no longer have to remind either of you to ask with a please or be grateful with a thank you. Kaden, your toddler candor demands others remember their manners in your presence. You have no qualm asking a stranger to say please or question why they didn’t acknowledge your thanks with the proper “you are welcome’.

Ashton you and your 'peas' and 'ank ewe' melts my heart. Your 'peas' has you showing off all of your teeth as you exaggerate the word stretching your mouth out from side to side. Your thank you comes automatically. You say thank you for actions or giving’s that as your mother I don't expect thanks. I will put on your shoes. I will carry you over a puddle. I will cut up your hot dog. This is my duty and yet you give your thanks. You are learning excuse me and need much fine tuning on keeping hands to ourselves! However, at the age of two you are ever so polite.

It gives me great delight to know this behavior continues outside of my presence. Our goal of repetitive reminding and teachings has formed life habits. A habit I firmly believe will carry you far throughout your lives. I do not doubt that over time you will become lax. I promise to continue reminding you as it will serve as my own reminder to follow the golden rule. Be nice. Have grace and kindness. Be sensitive to others and keep an awareness.

Please be forewarned, as you grow you will learn more etiquette than young boys would choose. Remember, my responsibility isn’t to raise men, but gentlemen who are good to their fellow people and community treating women as they expect their Mom to be treated. I take my responsibility seriously. After all, I expect you both to pass down these life habits to future generations… Do your part to make the world a nice place.

So far. So good. Mom Pride.

Puppy Love

Babies and tots are much like puppies:

• If it is within reach chew it
• When the wee-wee pads are removed piddle will happen
• All food on the floor is fair game
• Boredom is equal to mischief
• New teeth tests aggressive behavior
• Will howl loudly when put to bed
• Without fail finds energy during Mom’s quiet time
• Time to return inside will run in the opposite direction
• Hear the word cookie and sits quietly

Enough said.

Mouth of Babes

Me: Kade you played w a pen during your nap didnt u?
KK: No mama
me: you sure? (it is all over his face!)
KK: No i didnt do it mama. weally. Da tv did it..."

KK: Mama that pixure is when daddy marry you!
me: yes it is!
kk: what is marry?
me: when 2 people promise to spend their life together.
kk: oh! mama? what is love you? me: a strong feeling for another person.
k: ok.... vrrrrooooom errrrrr....... rrrrrrrr.
And like that he moves onto car noises and back to his attention to hot wheels.

As Kaden quickly cups my breasts he says,"You have big armpits, Mama."

Kade asked, "Can you feel me better, Mommy? My froat hurts and I need you to better me."

BOYS IN OUR HOUSE

There are boys in my house - and Spiderman shoes
And 200 papers in various blues.
There's Bob (he's a builder) and Thomas the Train,
There's a fireman coat to wear in the rain.
They have cars on their shirts and frogs on their hats
There's a glove and a ball and a red plastic bat.
There's dirt on a face and a smudge on a nose;
Grass stains on knees and sand between toes.
There's bathtime at night with bodies to scrub,
And when we're all done there is dirt in the tub!
There's bandaids and bruises and curious bumps,
There's smiles and laughter and sometimes there's grumps.
There's odors most icky; there's boogers so green
There's more yucky things than I'll ever get clean.
There's piles of laundry; there's stories at night;
There's bedtime and bathtime and dinnertime fights.
There's cars and there's trains and there's books about trucks
There's Scoop, Lofty, Dizzy, and Travis, and Muck.
Sometimes there are bugs, and sometimes there are frogs;
Sometimes they are lions, or dinos, or dogs.
There are cute little vests and darling neckties
Dragged right through the mud - oh what a surprise!
There's running and climbing and jumping and falling
And laughing and crying and hugging and brawling
And rolling and losing and finding and creeping
And whining and stealing and sometimes there's sleeping.
There's tantrums and time outs and extra loud noise -
There's love in my house shaped like two little boys.

Happy Number Two

Ashton~

I can see why children age their parents. It isn’t due to stress. It isn’t even the lack of sleep. It isn’t our long days. It is simple. We are so immersed in the wonderful role of parenthood we lose time. Where did the last year go? For that matter where did the last two years disappear? I am in disbelief you have reached the age of two. Happy Birthday you little two year old!

There is something specific about your birthday that steals my breath. It hits me a bit differently than Kade’s. I measure time differently with you. Hand-in-hand, we are leaving behind babyhood. I know that when your two eye teeth come in there will be no gummy baby smile. When you say, “Please” instead of “peas” there is actually a 2nd toddler in our home. As soon as you use the potty the last of baby leaves our home along with that last diaper. You are my baby and to see you, the baby, grow is bittersweet.

I call you my ‘curious hands’. You are busy. You don’t stop until you sleep. You literally crawl up the book shelves or somersault down the wooden stairs. You are rough and tumble. If I hear you cry I know it hurts. Tears are few. Each child controls different mommy strings. You have the eyes. You can work me with a glance. There is actually a particular look that melts me each time. I see it and I have to kiss your head! I believe you will be someone who will find my smile. The things you do make me uncontrollably laugh. At the same time, you will surely turn me into a worrier. You have no fear constantly daring yourself to try new things making me uncomfortable.

You are a lover. You are a fighter. You have opinions and we know what these are. You weight 20 ½ lbs at 34” tall. You have fallen off the growth chart. You are average height, but lean and mean. In mean, I refer to your confidence. You have no problem taking care of yourself or going after what you want. You get what you want one whack, hit and pinch at a time! I hope you keep this assurance. Go after the world, Sprite.

I am learning I need to be clear and decisive in my choice of yes and no. You can wear me down in your ‘peas’ ‘peas, mama, peas’ and minutes long tantrums of full body on the floor kicking and pounding fists into the tile floor. I have to walk away as so many times you are so close to turning my no into a yes. You have me second guess my reasoning of the initial no. Do you know you do this? There are times I think you do.

Gosh, you are bright. You are mechanical. You are quick to figure out how to make a newly introduced object work. Your vocabulary is increasing at rapid pace. I am taken a back each day at the sheer number of words you say seemingly out of the blue.

Sadly, I have to admit I am not always your first pick in people! You are attached to your brother. You two are starting to play so well with one another. You boss him in play, but observe him in quiet. You want to be near him. You often mimic him in actions and words. It makes me giggle. I have to share you are much more aggressive and your small size frightens Kade as you come at him! There is a lot of I love you, hugs, pats on the head, sweet voices and kisses shared between the two of you.

You sure like Kaden, but Ta-Ta (Aunt Lynda) is your most favorite person in the whole world. You are smitten. Her voice will have your jaw drop and a run through the house to get her at the front door. When she is around you want her to hold you, play with you, feed you, entertain you… no one else. As more people may come around you will break away, but you always go back to her. You are her shadow. She loves it. She loves you boys so much. One of these days you will call her Ta-Ta instead of GG!

Although I may not always be the person you want to sit and play or hold you as we take a walk I am the person who gives you comfort. When you come to me to kiss your ‘uh ohs’ (What you call ouies.) or grab my hand just to hold it or come and jump on me to sit on my lap or place your head between my neck and shoulder I savor it. I know I have given you a gift. You are secure in exploring the world as you want and need all the while knowing I am here for the time you need me. I always will. Always. Baby to toddler, toddler to boy, boy to young man, young man to teenager, teenager to young adult, young adult to man there will continue to be times you need me. Please never question if I am still waiting. I assure you I am.

This year sped by. I need you to slow down. I have promised to be present to savor these days we have together. Obviously, this time together isn’t forever. I jokingly ask you to live at home forever. I don’t think either of us is really up for it! I simply cannot picture a life without (as Kade named you) Ashman. During the 730 days you have been on Earth you have truly balanced our family. You have brought a fire and a charisma we didn’t know.

Happy Birthday, baby boy. May you keep the fire under your feet that keeps you whip whirling through the world. Might you give your Mom a break slowing down on climbing the walls? Keep enjoying surprises with your jaw dropping. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Continue to grow your imagination. Be two. All. Year. Long.

I love your guts,

Mama

Zipped Up Day

“Mama… It hurts. It hurts.” Kaden is crying out in pain. I enter the living room and there he is bow legged and jammies half unzipped. The zipper stops right at his crotch. I know exactly what and why it hurts. My stomach drops.

I ask to look. He tells me no. I explain I have to look even if he wants to pull out his jammies (I show him with my collar as I move it away from my skin), so I can take a peek. I tell him I have to help him unzip jammies. He has tears pooling over his big brown eyes. “Mama is it going to hurt?”

This is the moment of the brave. I can’t ask him to be strong if I am unable hold back my own tears. His question put a vice right around my throat. I knelt down to his level and put my hands on his waist I felt my lips quiver as he looked at me for reassurance. “Kaden, it may hurt. I don’t know. We have to be brave and do this together.”

The pool in his eyes became the river down his face: “NO, Mama! I don’t want YOU to hurt me!” The vice tightened and I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts. At this moment I wanted to pass on the Momhood badge "Freeing pee-pee from zippper". I don't need the honor.

I had not given thought to issues I’d have to face with being a mom of two boys. I just found I was grateful to avoid the conversations, moods and issues usually associated with daughters. Heck, boys are supposed to be maintenance free, right? As parents of son's we have a conversation about safe sex, toss them a condom and send them on their way… (Okay, I am abbreviating this a little!). Anyway, I have been prepared with a first aid kit for the blood and band aids for the ouies, which leave no marks. This is what I signed up for.I didn’t prepare myself to enter a living room to rescue my three-year-olds pee-pee from the grips of his footie jammies. This I was 100% unprepared.

I did what I always do. I turned to food. I offered him a Popsicle. He declines. He saw this as his opportunity and asked for a Christmas sucker. There is one left and boy howdy he can have it. Now, Ashton sees me in the drawer and is demanding a look-see for something sweet. He wants the sucker. He gets PEZ.

He is calming down. I lay him down on the couch. I touch the zipper and he screams. I wonder, "Do I ice him?" I really am at a loss here. I act on my next thought. I grab my phone and call Adam.

He tells me there is one way and one way only to do this. It is going to hurt, but I have to do it. I then here, “Hey, do you know how to get a small pee-pee out of a zipper?” His coworker had no magic to offer.

When I have blood drawn I like people to talk to me. I forget what is going on. I go to this method. I keep my hand on the zipper and start talking to him. I ask him if he wants to sing. He doesn’t. He wants to know why my hand is on the zipper and keeps asking the wrenching question: "Are you going to hurt me, Mama?"

I back off of him. I am getting nauseous. Do I go up? Do I pull down? Do I zip quickly like ripping of a band aid? Do I move slowly to be sure there is no injury?

I call The Church’s.

“Hello, Les… Is Inez there?” If he answers the phone I already know she is out of the house. “Okay, well I have a situation. Kaden zipped up his pee-pee and I am not sure how to unzip him.” Les, “What is that, Hun?” I repeat myself, “Kaden zipped up his pee-pee and I am not sure what to do?” Les, “Okay, Hun, what is going on?” I get a little louder, “Kaden got his penis caught in his zipper. What do I do?” Les, “Oh Man, oooo oooo oooo that hurts! (He giggles) You just have to do it. Hun, do you want me to come and do it?” I explain my anxiety, but that I can do it. With great assurance and no apprehension he tells me to do it as quick as I can. And again, he reiterates it is going to hurt.

I get off the phone and turn around looking at my son watching “Klipper the Dog” and sucking on his sucker wide eagle. I go back to my position. I grab a hold of the zipper. He asks what I am doing. I ask him to tell me the colors on his lollypop. “Oh, there is red, blue and…” I pull up.

I feel the zipper teeth move over his flesh.

I feel like I am going to passout. I pray: Please, please don't distrust me after this, Kade. Please, don't be mad at me. Please, let this moment pass quickly..."

He looks down. He is free! He smiles with gladness. He wants to check his parts out. All looks fine.

“Mama, see I am a tough guy!” He exclaims. “You don’t have to worry!”

No, Kaden, you are beyond tough. You are a Superhero. You have the great power to make any situation calming.

And with that Kade asked to look at Ashton’s pee-pee. He wanted to be certain Ashton's diaper won’t ‘stuck it’.

Our life and all pee-pee's are officially back to normal.

What If

What if I would have chosen to stay in Oregon City after graduating high school?
What if I would have chosen to transfer to an instate university?
What if I would have chosen a different sorority?
What if I would have chose to return home after my first winter break?
What if I would have chosen to work in Moab State Park in Utah vs Camp Wayne for Girls Summer Camp in the Pocono Mountains?
What if I would have chosen to continue to study social work?
What if I would have chosen to ignore wrong doings in my work place?
What if I would have chosen to buy a home in Arizona?
What if I would have chosen to move to Bend?
What if I would have chosen to accept a job transfer to Washington DC?
What if I would have chosen to stay home the eve before Easter?

There are people who believe the ‘grass is always greener’ or who have a case of the ‘shoulda-woulda-coulda’s’. They believe had they chosen that this would have happened. They live in the past.

Yes, hindsight is 20/20.

Perception after the fact is quite simple to figure. The challenge is to have foresight within this same vision. It is to be present and understand it isn’t the choices you didn’t make, but the choices that you do, which hold the most substance.

Honestly, I can write that I don’t live a life where I feel the grass is greener. However, I am guilty of looking back into my past. What if I had opted for the alternative to one- just one- of the above instances?

What if I would have stayed in Oregon City? Moved to Bend? Stayed home that Saturday night?

I would not have met your Dad. Before your Dad I had a list of “What if’s”

What if I never find love?
What if I never get married?
What if I never have children?
What if I never have a home?
What if I am never happy?

I will never know the answers; and I am so pleased.

If I question my choices I question the life I am living. Granted, I didn’t know how the chain of my choices would later affect my future, but I now see its fruit.

There is no question: I am living the life I was purposed.

SNOW DAY

Today was a day that takes me back to fond childhood memories: SNOW DAYS.

Snow days were special, no magical. They were the days Mom (GG) made hot cocoa with warm milk. We would eat grilled cheese sandwiches or fresh homemade cookies. As cold as it might have been outside these were days of comfort.

We were not your ‘outdoorsy’ family. On the rare snow days we had year-to-year we may or may not have the proper attire. We wouldn’t always have mittens or gloves. On the off years she would wrap our hands in old socks. Yep, we wore old athletic socks on our hands. It worked like a charm.

As we were not ‘outdoorsy’ we didn’t play hard in the snow. A snowman here and a snowball there, but most of the time we just walked around. Jana is only a few years my senior and due to Grammy and Papa living two houses down she would join Uncle Jake and I out on our street. Since the street was a short dead end we would ‘skate’ in our KEDS down the road. We also used our feet as sleds. We would stand tall and others would push us by our backs down the slick street.

These days were full of amusement, friends and family. A time of enjoyment for those in play and as well as for those having a quiet moment tucked away inside.

We went up the mountain with Ta-Ta and played in the snow. It was a first for you both.

The four of us had a delightful time. Kaden you built a snowman. It was only as tall as my shin due to the snow being fresh powder.

We blew bubbles into the snow drift.

Ashton you were so bundled you literally fell face first into the snow. You laid there content dipping your face into the snow eating it.

I was unprepared without a hat or proper gloves. It wasn’t cold, but wet.

On these snow days, I find I am repeating my childhood comforts. We are drinking steamed cocoa and snacking on fresh baked brownies. We eat grilled sandwiches and chicken noodle soup. Our house has a draft, but I have never felt warmer!

And, yes, you had mittens…

The Truth

I won’t lie.

I will always be truthful. The truth is: I lost my way. Dad lost his way. We lost our way the better part of 2011. I won’t go into details. The end of the story is this: we found our way back to one another. This is what matters. This is where we find the lesson.

The lesson is to step back and approach again with new eyes bringing most importantly an open heart.

It is from here I continue to write.

Welcome to a new beginning. A new promise.

Welcome to 2012, boys.