Affirmation

I have affirmation that I am in fact the mom of a toddler. It is as simple this:

I was taking off my jeans, which I rolled at the hem and out fell Goldfish Crackers. Oh, the sweet surprises from my son even if it is just Pepperidge Farms.

Kaden picked it up said, "Oh!" and flushed it down the toilet.

We just migh be ready for the goldfish Adam and I have been discussing...

Also Known As...

Ashton, today we had your four month appointment. I admit I was nervous. We took Kade along. The clinic is never on-time; and I was planning for babies in melt down. I had a couple of questions for the doctor, so I was looking forward to the appointment. I was going in with optimism that this appointment would give me some answers and we would all get along with ease. I even was prepping mentally for you’re AKA.

But alas I experience another moment of mommy embarrassment. I didn't realize they were calling your name. They called it. I heard it. They called it again. I looked around us and there sat a preteen girl with her Dad. Odd, but whatever I guessed the patient was in the restroom. The nurse stared at me. I mean really looking deeply at me. I looked at the nurse blankly. She walked over and said, "We will see Curtis now. This is Curtis, right?"

I dropped the ball on the name- AGAIN. I do this every time we are at the doctor. They have it on record Curtis AKA Ashton and yet only Dr. Hoffman calls you by Ashton. I prep myself to be conscience that they will call out "Curtis". I need to be on alert. I flunked. Good thing we have 18 more years for me to get this whole name thing right!

I stroll you, Curtis, down the hall and carry Kaden in my arms as we follow the nurse to the exam room. And there we go the first sign of melt down- Kaden begins to squirm and scream once we enter the room. I explain to Kade that it isn’t all about him. This is not his party, but it is for you. I try to bribe him with snacks and juice. It doesn’t work. I ask if we can just move along. We do.

You are healthy. You fall into the 50% tile for both your head circumference and weight. You are in the 75% tile in your length. Of course you are overheating. You are a hot box. Always hot, so I keep you in a diaper most days. Even dressed so sparsely you get a heat rash! It is nuts. Dr. Hoffman confirms what I already knew. You can begin solids now and definitely by 6 months. However, he advised waiting a little while because you are not growing rapidly, so it could give you weight gain. The worst of the news is we will continue to see one another at the hour of three o’clock in the morning for at least the next month. The Dr. told me we could begin to schedule you today, but we again had until month six. I will give you one more month… and then you are on your own, Curtis! How I dread sleep training. It is miserable for everyone involved.

Through Kaden’s crying I hear music to my ears that I have to have repeated: He is advanced in his stages. Wait, what? Did I hear the word advanced? It is not typical for a 4 month old to already roll front to back and back to front. This is something you should be exploring over the coming weeks. Your leg strength and balance allows you to hold your weight far longer than the average infant at this same age. He put you down into a sitting position on the table and you gripped one another’s hands. You held your balance and weight perfectly. He educated me. This is normal for a 5-6 month old. You are Super Curtis! I can’t believe all your advanced powers.

Through the appointment you squirmed and Kaden cried. Thank goodness Dr. H is hands-on and held you most of the appointment. It became vaccination time. I knew this would go south real quickly. However, this is my battle and I was going to take it by the horns. The nurse saved me. She gave me two options. I opted to take Kade out of the room as you poked you two times in the thighs. You cried loud enough to have Kade want to go back in and get you. We did. We loaded up and headed out.

We made an appointment for your six month and Kaden’s two year checkups. As we were leaving I hear, “Bye-bye Kaden and Curtis….or I mean Ashton!”

Officially Tired

I am officially tired. How do I know this to be true? I put three scoops of formula into the filter of the coffee pot. I noted this, spoke to myself and shook my head. I corrected the error in replacing the formula with old fashioned coffee grounds. Coffee never tasted so good.

The Celebrations of the First Day of Summer

Happy Second Anniversary, babe! I can’t believe what the last two years have brought into our lives. Today we celebrated our anniversary a little bit different than most couples choose. We invited our friends to join Ashton’s First Annual Ice Cream for Dinner Night. Our anniversary falls on the first day of summer and there is no better way to celebrate both occasions than with ice cream!

Ashton entertained Great Grandma Church, GG and Aunt Larissa. The rest was left up to Kaden, Dad and me. The outside patio resembled a KinderCare with all the plastic play goodies for the nine older kids to enjoy. Once it was sundae time all summer broke loose. We had a line in the kitchen with great excitement to make dinner. Kayla helped scoop. My big surprise of the night: not realizing how popular Vanilla Ice Cream is! Holy smacks. It seems like such a waste in caloric intake. Go for the chocolate or just don’t go to for it at all!

We reset the back patio moving all the outdoor play and moved in the several pint sized tables and chairs. We set the sundae makings up on a child height table. It was loaded: M&Ms, chocolate chips, sprinkles (of so many flavors/colors), Oreo pieces, Smores Magic Shell, Cupcake Magic Shell, homemade strawberry preserve, caramel, butterscotch and chocolate syrups, hot fudge, cherries, nuts and whipping cream. It was all for the taking… I thought the little eyes would be bigger than their appetities. I was wrong. As with all dinner plates the bowls were scraped clean.

Dad made the sundae of all sundaes. I think he put everything on his ice cream with the exception of nuts. It even made me cringe. Kaden you thought the table was more of a buffet. You ate your ice cream and brought your spoon to the table. You helped yourself to more M&Ms and chocolate chips- scoop after scoop.

It was fun. I enjoyed visiting with all our friends and watching our children play, eat and play some more. It is awesome to be in this place of life. Dad and I have great friends and family with children who are now becoming friends to the two of you. It is the circle of life at its best.

Cousin Ami rinsed all the sticky bowls and spoons. What a saint. It allowed me to visit with company I had been unable to before dinner.

Babe, Happy Anniversary! I can’t think of a better way to celebrate. Thank you to Curt, Mom, Gma Church, Brooklyn, Lacey, Bee, Ami, Alden, Lidia, Auntie Saundra, Kayla, Bill, Bryson, Hans, Andi, Sadie, Laney, Robert, Nicole, Bailey, Kaden and of course our host Ashton for making this day one to remember. Ashton’s Annual Ice Cream for Dinner Night is on the calendar for ’11 as we bring in the summer and year number three!

I am counting the days…

Vacations

Dad and I celebrated our second anniversary over the course of three nights on Mt. Hood. Ashton you spent the time in Salem with Aunt Jana and Uncle C. Kaden you spent your vacation with both GG and Auntie L here at home. It seemed as though it was a much needed separation for all of us. I can’t believe the changes in each of us!

Ashton, you have been a little puzzler. It seems that the four days leading up to your adventure you sensed the separation you settled more and more. I took note of this change in personality… you were smiling and happy! I started to take offense, but instead saw the blessing in your new found happiness. I let it go. And since your return home the upbeat boy has remained.

Kaden I knew you would love the vacation. It would be all about you and for you. An one would love this kind of time! Auntie L took you shopping and to the water pad for play in Gladstone. GG probably gave you donuts and cookies for dinner. It was your Heaven.

As you two boys were smothered in great love. Dad and I were smothered in a down comforter. We found a new definition of romance: sleep. Some women call for flowers, jewels and fancy dinners to celebrate love. Not me. I need that stuff all year long (ha!ha!), but on the days that really matter I just need time with Dad. And if it is time to sleep, so be it because it is with him!

We headed out Thursday around 5:00pm and ate at Calamity Jane’s on our way to the cabin. It was immediate- the laughter began. It was almost uncontrollable. We were back to us. Once there we set up ‘camp’ and called it a day. Dad was a sleep by 8:00. I soon followed. We got up at 8:00 am! We could hardly believe it! We enjoyed a walk around Govt Camp, hike, naps and junk food. I lost umpteen times at Foose Ball. Dad elated in all his victories. So, we moved on to Ping Pong. We found fun in candy bar bingo at the recreation hall. It was off to bed early. The best part was cranking the heat to sauna temperatures. It was magnificent!

Soon it was Saturday and we pretty much lounged all day. At 2:00 in the afternoon (yes, AFTERNOON!) we went for a long walk and back for more Foose Ball and lounge time. We went to a group campfire and enjoyed a favorite: Smore’s. Yum! Again, off to bed…

We didn’t eat dinner one night over our stay. On Sunday we ate grass fed beef filet mignon cut steak and eggs. It was delish. We packed up and cuddled back on the couch until it was time to head down the hill. GG went to Salem with Kaden to bring Ashton home. We unpacked, took gear to storage and began getting ready for the first day of summer, which is our real anniversary date as well as Ashton’s First Annual Ice Cream for Dinner Party.

I was so excited to see you both. All I wanted to do was hug and love you. GG pulled in and out I ran… vacation is nice, but reality is better. I think we all agree.

Thanking All That Was Broken

The older I become the more I believe in life paths. In a couple of days Dad and I will celebrate our anniversary. I have been giving a lot of thought as to the reasons I fell in love with your Dad as well asking myself to define love. Ironically, I was driving today and a particular song played on the radio giving me much more to reflect, remember and give thanks. Many have a connection to this song, however our stories as to why are different. As the song played my tears rolled...

"Bless The Broken Road"

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

What Is Love

I bet there will come a day one of you asks me how you know you are in love (as your Uncle Jake once asked me when he was first dating your Aunt Lacey). You may also ask me why I fell in love with your Dad. Since our anniversary is coming near I have given a lot of thought to both of these questions, which led me to believe you may ask me for the answers one day. I decided to share the reasons with you, today.
Boys, I can't explain why I love Dad- I just do! But to share what I love about him is easy! How do I think one knows they are in love? I have thought about this question a lot. I mean a lot- a lot. In really internalizing and taking time to think about how I knew I loved your Dad:

It’s not WHAT I would do for him, but WHY I’d do it.
It’s not WHAT I say to him, it’s WHY I say it.
I couldn’t then and can hardly now be away from him or stop thinking about him.
I believe love is forgiveness. We forgive both big and small and move forward.
I think of the consequences for HIM due to MY actions.
I challenge myself every day to be a better person because of his inspiration.
It is unconditional... and this again circles to forgiveness.
It's not about a feeling, but about a decision... I just knew in my heart that he was the person for me - not because he is perfect – (some) of his imperfections attracted me to him...
His strength is my weakness and visa versa. We continue to balance one another out and
There came a time (early on) that I was willing to do anything for him. I put his happiness before my own.
I woke up (and still do) asking myself, “How can I make today a better day for him?”

Love is unexplainable. It is both mysterious and vast. Love has different intensities and you can love (many) people along the way. Chances are you will experience this complexity called love many different times. Each will be unique to you, but once in a while you meet someone special who just knocks you off your feet. It is different and you will know when it happens. I promise you. I really do. Love is not a feeling, but an act of will. It is the most beautiful and ugliest of mind-sets. Basically, love is not Hollywood it is a whole lot of work. It may seem to appear naturally, but to keep it you must work towards bettering yourself every day. When I came to the place that I wanted to commit myself to this pledge I knew it was more than an infatuation, but that I indeed loved Adam.

Now, why did I fall in love with your Father?
He is a good time. I can’t deny that it was fun-fun-fun all of the time.
He has an incredible tender heart.
His laughter and smile is infectious.
His loyalty is unbreakable.
Our interests are different, which leads to new experiences and learning.
He is a gentleman and practices chivalry.
His knowledge is in areas so foreign and mysterious to me.
He dreams.
He was so thoughtful… flowers and dates all of the time.
The way he touches me gives me butterflies (even today!).
He is easy going, not having a lot to ruffle him.
As GG would say, “He picks and chooses his battles” letting everything else fall where it falls.
He gives his time to not only me, but to others.
His word is true and actions honest.
He is feisty.
I fell into like with his family on day one.

The reasons may seem generic, but they are my reasons. He quickly became a comfort to me and I came to trust him quickly, which doesn’t happen easily for me. He gave me comfort ability that I could just be me- good, bad, pretty or ugly. I came to a place in live that I was going to be me and he loved me for it. I no longer had the poker face and opened myself up becoming the most vulnerable to someone I didn’t know. A part of me probably fell in love with him because I could see he was ‘taken’ by who I was… who I really was. This shared intimacy led us to being in love. God, I love that man. And how could I not? Look what he has given me...

DATING

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Well, boys Dad and I did it. We left you with your first (paid) babysitter tonight! We asked our friends and Dad’s coworkers if they knew of anyone who babysat. After much consideration and a meeting we hired Loretta. Her first sitting was a trial. We were only gone 2 hours knowing Papa would be downstairs with the plan to have Kade in bed with you, Ashton soon to follow.

Boys, all relationships take effort and marriage is no different. Marriage needs constant nurturing and care to grow. To do this Dad and I continue to date. In all of life’s chaos it is easy to forget to put your partner and shared relationship first, at the forefront. We love you with all of our hearts and enjoy every morsel of time with you. Yet, if Dad and I are not connecting our family in turn becomes disconnected. Life gets so hectic and it is easy to take for granted those who make our life. And in the past we are guilty of this. To help remedy this we have our night once a month and some months we enjoy two dates. It gives us time to rebalance and honor our love, for not just one another, but our family.

I take these nights seriously. I try my best to put my ‘mom-self’ away and be the lady he fell in love with. I like to surprise Dad in a dress and heels. I add a little extra sultry makeup and sprits of perfume here and there. Truth be told, maybe I do this for myself. It is an occasion to be me in the look I am most comfortable. The way we look is contagious effecting how we feel. Either way I love these occasions. Dad even shaves for the big night! Yowzers!

Loretta arrived a little before 8:00. Kade you had been put to bed, but fought us and won. When she arrived you were in the living room. Funny how children seem to know when parents are on an important time frame making it challenging to get out the door. I love this. Ashton, you were sleeping in your swing. I explained the, who, what, when and where’s to Loretta as Dad put Kaden back to bed. You know us, I am a list person and Dad is verbally detailed. She knew from both of us how to change the TV, where the diapers are, bottle procedure, how to calm Ashton, Papa’s number, where the bathroom is, where we keep snacks and glasses and on and on. All bases were covered. We left for dinner close to 8:30.

I was a ball of nerves. I wanted to puke. I had sweaty palms and even clammy feet. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t tell anyone this. I put on the strong Nicole face. I put it all onto your Dad as he vocalized being nervous joking he had high blood pressure over the whole thing. I knew Kaden would remain asleep. My fear was Ashton. Would she meet your needs? Let us face it you are one needy boy! In all seriousness, would she hold you with care? Would she sooth you? Would she look at you blankly or talk to you? I was a mess over all of it.

Dad chose to go to our favorite Sushi restaurant. And of course he ate and ate until beocming to full. Gosh, we love sushi. It is easy to over indulge. As with any date I expect our cell phones to be put away and focusing on the two of us as we: catch-up, dream, share, touch, plan, smile and laugh. At the beginning of the meal we always toast and at the end we always give our gratitude for an enjoyable evening.
After dinner went up to Oregon City and met a group of friends. We were running late, but wanted to take advantage of being able to swing into a bar for a quick hello. We visited and left after 30 or so minutes. It is amazing what two hours can do to the spirit. We felt rekindled.

We returned home around 10:30. The house was completely dark except the flashing of the TV. Ashton you were sleeping in her arms. All appeared to have gone well. The failure came from us. We forgot to tell her where to turn on lights in the kitchen and living room. Go figure.

Camping

Memorial Day weekend is surely that… memorable. We took both of you boys camping. Yep, we took Kaden at 21 months and Ashton at 3 months camping. Yes, camping in a tent. I imagine that one day you may question your mom actually enjoying camping non-the-less in a tent. I do. I always have! Anyway, Dad and I decided to be renegades and take the family on a three night four day adventure to Cape Lookout in Tillamook. It was the best and worst weekend of our lives.

If you ask me I say it was awesome. Guess who thinks it otherwise? It is clear that Dad and I have to different personalities. We are both Type A with a twist. I manage the family with Type A style. He parents in this style. It is as if we continue to do a handoff of this personality when the other tires of it. I tend to be far more relaxed during these occasions as your Dad is much more tense. It is interesting since this is not at all how either of us would have guessed us to be as parents. It would have been tagged as quite the opposite.

Anyway, Kaden and Ashton you were both in your element. Kaden you love being outside so much it was a wonderland all just for you. This wondering gave Dad high blood pressure, but I soaked it all in. You were curious and excited. Ashton, you slept through all the hocus pocus. You just breathed in the salty ocean air and dreamed little boy dreams for two days straight. I could hardly believe how much you slept. You already know the definition of R&R!

We arrived late. It was 8-8:30 and had camp to set up… Camp Rardin is no easy feat. We have a 15x18 tent w/sun screen, 2 canopies, a 12 sided play arena, 4 totes, a ton of wood, 5 large bags and a crate of toys as well as a battery operated quad and wagon. Phew. To think of all the stuff is exhausting. Bless your Dad for it all pretty much fell on his shoulders as I ‘wore’ Ashton in his pack and tried to rein Kaden in from exploring the grounds outside of camp. I think thirty minutes into setup Dad was thinking of packing it in! This isn’t his speed…

Our friends Dave and Megan joined us. They had the camp next to us. Bless them. I would not have wanted to be at that site as a friend or stranger. I imagine it may be the last time they join any Rardin ‘fun’ for a while! We had high hopes of card games and talks around the fire, but it became quickly apparent that this was not going to happen. It didn’t even happen one time. We did however, walk the wagon, carry the quad, heist Kaden over the shoulder, stay vigilant around the fire and ward off all adult time.

Kaden you love the ocean. When it comes to water you have no fear. The ocean is your kind of paradise… the big pool. I think you get this love from me. It is my refuge. Well, the coastal shore is. I don’t ‘do’ water. You would run out into the water and Dad would follow you, pick you up, hoist you under his arm and run you back up the beach. You two repeated this time and time again. You wanted to feel the water. You loved the sand in your hand. You enjoyed digging and playing. On Sunday I took you down to the beach in your rubber boots and swim trunks. You looked adorable. I am still smiling at the image. I will never forget you out there chasing waves in your boots and trunks. What is it about boys and their boots? I don’t understand the obsession. I never will. This is okay, for I still find it ever so endearing. It was raining. The wind was subtle. It was really quiet down on the beach. It was my paradise as I enjoyed the waves and your laughter making the perfect melody. My heart is still dancing.

The showers were a close second for you. You loved the concrete room. It was as if you had your own sprinkler room. This was the trip you were given juice boxes and Capri Suns. You are officially a big boy. For the first time you slept in bed with us. How many habits can a kid have? You kick, push, snore, teeth grind, suck a pacifier, rub my hair and sniff your bear. I was amazed. At least I was entertained during these long cold sleepless nights. I felt so blessed you had your own bed, which is in your own bedroom.

Ashton you slept each trip to the beach. You love your pack. I think you will share in our love of the shore too. You are already a water boy. I can’t wait for this time next year. It will be such a different time. It will be a thrill to see you boys dig, run and catch waves together. I hope Dad has the chase in him.

We left a night early. The weather was going to turn. We learned our lesson from Camp Rardin Labor Day Weekend 2009. We were flooded out that year. We didn’t want nor need a repeat of the same camping episode. This would have been stupidity. The rain was starting to really come down. We tore camp down like a tornado with the help of Dave. It was fast and furious. We left around 8:00.

Confession: Dad and I are not our best selves during these times. He is the first to admit he lacks patience. So, we were not our best selves. it is something we work at. My hope is we will have it figured out by the time you actually read this! Anyway, he was uptight and I was irritated. He was miserable and it showed. On our way out of camp I apologized for the weekend. I vowed we wouldn’t camp again until summer 2012 unless we buy a camper. He smiled and sweetly replied, “I had a really good day!” I laughed… I bet he did. He was going home.