My Apologies

I apologize. So much has happened that I have not kept up on over the course of the last two months. I am not going to be able to recall or recap all that I have not written, but I will do my best to highlight some of our events. Maybe this will make sense as to why I have been away….

Oct 24- Ashton you start pulling yourself up



Oct 31- Halloween: The Wizard of Oz theme



Nov 3- Last Boys will be Boys day at Pinecreek house.




Nov 4- Ashton you make it all the way up the stairs.

Nov 5- Homeowners: We received the keys to our first home! We received our keys at 4:30 meeting our agent, Troy at the house. We picked up a Papa Murphy’s pizza and had a carpet picnic in the living room to celebrate the occasion! Kaden, you love your bedroom. You show everyone your room. You are very proud of it. You actually give everyone the whole house tour!

Nov 6/7- House cleaning party: We received an abundance of love and help from friends and family for cleaning and moving!

Nov 7- Kayla’s baby shower: I hosted this with her sister-in-law Michelle.

Nov 13- Moving day: First night we sleep at the house.

Nov 14- ER Day: Dad had been sick for four days. He went to ER and has an intestinal infection (Salmonella). GG comes over and gives you your house warming gifts.



Nov 16- Kaden you discover Sparking Apple Cider. It is your new vice.



Nov 20: Migraine for Mom. I was laid out on the couch.

Nov 22/24- Thanksgiving baking

Nov 25- Thanksgiving with the Rardin’s at Great Great Grandma’s that GX2 made. We hosted Rardin’s Give Thanks Open House: We are hardly moved in and host an estimated 50 people through the evening. It was so much fun!

Nov 26- Smidge of mid-day Black Friday shopping with GG

Nov 27- Hosted first all ladies party: Pampered Chef for Darla

Nov 28- The Children’s Museum: Both of you had a busy fun filled day of running/crawling exploring and doing.

Nov 30- Ashton you have your 9 month appointment. I don't recall your exact measurements. Don't worry your info was documented in your baby book that day. It wasn't forgotten or lost... I remember you are 20lbs. This explains why I heave and ho to lift you in and out of the car. You big guy. Where is my baby?

Dec 1- Twelve Days of Christmas began with Kaden opening his special GG book and Ashton his ornament. It was also “Boys Will Be Boys Day” as Bryson came for the day. It was a day that I do remember so vividly. The three of you played mutiny like old professionals!

Dec 2- “Festival of December” kicks off with Zoo Lights

Dec 3- Bee and Kade make homemade ice cream sammies with the works

Dec 4- You double up in a cart for the first time. Babies no more.



Dec 8- “Boys Will Be Boys Day” Lil Bryson was all ours for the day



Dec 9- “Festival of December” PIR night

Dec 10- Dad takes Mom on a surprise date night. We enjoyed dinner and a hockey game! We learned skate lessons start at the age of two. I am thrilled! It was such a fun night out.

Dec 11- GG’s annual holiday party

Dec 12- Mom thought she was going to die

Dec 12/15: You two boys were very sick. You both had a cold that had you so congested you were throwing up all through the nights.

Dec 15: You boys are still sick, but being on day five of housebound was too much to bare. We drove through the DeLites of December.

Dec 16: “Festival of December” Aspen Meadow



Dec 17: Layla and Boo welcome BA2! I was asked to be at the hospital during her csection. I actually was the first person besides staff and parents to see him! 6lbs 13oz and 18inches long. Mom has baby fever. I asked Dad if he has the fever, too. It seems it isn't as contagious as I thought.



Dec 18: Milwaukie Christmas Ship and Bonfire. Mom packs away the baby frog jumper and pack and play out of the living room.

Dec 19: Meet Santa

I hope this list gives you a hint at just how busy we’ve been. This list is only of the BIGGER days. This doesn’t account for everyday life, unpacking or what my overly tired brain may have forgotten. Actually, my memory cannot be that bad. I simply looked through dates and recalled what we did that day vs reading it off of a schedule. I know. I impress you more and more.

I am back on track; and I am glad to hear the fast click of the keyboard keys once again. I was wishing for some time to get back to our journal, but days are not and never will be long enough. Life is about prioritizing. I cannot say that I didn’t have the time. We all have the time- always. It is how each of us chooses to use our time that matters. I chose to use the time doing other things. I will do my best to avoid making this mistake again.

Happy Festival of December, boys!

Holiday Cheer

It has been a season filled with much love and tradition. I can’t believe Christmas is upon us. It seems as though the calendar took a turbo pass through the months of November and December. I think this year we have more to be thankful then in years past. This is a blessing in of itself. As I see and hear so many people playing Scrooge or hearing the repetitive, “I just want it to be over. I hate it.” I cringe. As I wish for just one more week…

I would be happy for an extra day to enjoy the magic. The magic only this season brings.

I want to see your faces at the site of a lit holiday tree. I want to witness the pure joy and wonder the glimmer and shimmer brings.

I want to watch you, Kaden, at 6:30 in the morning choose the days 12 Days of Christmas package from your bag and then choose Ashton’s. You take the gifts to the living room and I set them on the mantel for evening to share in the delight with Dada and often GG. This year was filled with surprises from a photo book for Kade, Hallmark ornaments for you both and a ‘miscalculating’ penny bank for Sprite.

I want one more “Festival of December” hot cocoa event with TaTa. We drove PIR, Queen Anne (closed!), Zoo Lights (Kade for 9 days there after you’ve asked to see “oo iItes.”) and Aspen Meadow. We also checked out The Delights of December in Milwaukie and the Christmas Ship during the Bonfire. Next year we plan to rev it up with The Polar Express train ride.

I want one more “My First Christmas” onsies and silly Santa hat moment.
I want one more package to wrap, so Kaden you can pick out the best gift tag. You take so much thought as you look through the stickers. You even debate between a couple. When you choose you say the receivers name with pride and point. Even now this makes me smile.

I want one more day filled (literally from 6am until Daddy is home at 3:45) with holiday music. We dance and dance throughout the day. Ashton, you have even started finding your rhythm waving your hand in the air and giggle to a song.

I want one more day of Kaden asking to see lights after dinner. So, we load you boys up and drive around looking at houses between home and Gladstone.

I want one more day of hot buttered rums… well, okay I can have these well into the New Year.

I want one more day of hearing bells ringing outside the doors of the market. It is the Salvation Army. Kaden I give you the change from the cashier and a choice. You may put it in your penny bank or you may give it to the bell ringer. You have always chosen to put your change in the red ‘penny bank’ without hesitation.

I want one more day to catch the unexpected smell of cinnamon and pine.

I want one more day of Kaden asking or talking about ‘Sasa” (Santa). You call him on your cell phone. You speak about him through the day. You notice him in photos or packaging while we are running around town. He is your new friend.

I want one more day of listening to one of you boys opening “The Night Before Christmas” book GG recorded last year for the 12 Days of Christmas. I want to watch Kaden’s face as he hears GG’s voice read, “Merry Christmas Kaden; and to all a good night!” as each time is as if he heard it for the first time.

I want one more day to find an occasion to get all our loved ones together to celebrate our blessings.

I want one more day to tantalize the taste buds with Eggnog or Gingerbread Lattes.
I want one more day to sit in the early morning hours with the only light on in our home being the Christmas tree. We have enjoyed many buttered toast and juice breakfasts by the tree.

I want one more day…

I want one more day so others can take time to find the magic, too. It is here for us all to enjoy. We have all had a ‘bad’ year: tragedy, loss or life alterations. I know I have had my share of ‘hard’ years. However, at the end of the year I rekindle a newness brining peace and hope. This is what embodies the holiday; and I am so glad to feel it each and every single year.

I am looking forward to our holiday ahead. I know there is great wonder and exploration ahead. I am sure the wrapping paper will cover your little bodies ever so quickly. I am looking forward to bringing traditions your Dad has known as well as those I grew up with as we find our own along the way.

I want one more day to feel the magic. I do realize do indeed have more week, but this won’t be enough.

Thanksgiving

We have officially celebrated Ashton’s first Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful day. We shared dinner with Great Grandpa and Grandma Rardin, Great Great Grandma Rardin, Gx2 and Papa. Gx2 made a delicious dinner. It was so nice to sit around the table and enjoy everyone’s company.

In the middle of dinner Kaden you go to the potty with Dad. As we are eating we hear great exclaim and high fives being shared. Kaden went pee-pee in the potty! You return to the table very proud and excited to share with the family what you accomplished. You sit back at the table and nibble.

Thirty minutes goes by…

Kaden you ask Dad to take you to the potty. He does. Again, we hear Dad’s praise. Kaden once again you went pee-pee on the potty. I could barely believe it. You received a holiday cookie this go round.

Ashton you sat in your little red chair down on the ground eating away. You enjoyed the turkey and stuffing. To be honest you could not get enough. You would grunt as you needed your tray refilled.

We had to hurry home as our open house started at 5:00.

When we get in the door Kaden again asks to go to the potty. I can’t recall who took you. I think Dad did. Anyway, you went poo. It was as if Christmas came early for the Rardin Family. I was thrilled and pleased that out of all days this was the day you chose to use the potty. It gave me one more thing to be thankful for: successful potty training.

However, I write this one month late and I know how the story ends. You are not potty trained. It was not the beginning of training. You have been a few times since, but really no interest. It was just one more thing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving and to find hope in during the Christmas season. And that is okay. I know the it has been resolved that the New Year will bring potty training success!

Creating My Life- A List

1. Learn a language
2. Fly in a hot air balloon
3. Ride in a helicopter
4. Take a cooking course
5. Own a trademark
6. Visit every state in the union
7. Attend an Olympic event
8. Be published
9. Oprah
10. Learn to swim
11. Volunteer with CASA
12. Take guitar lessons
13. Take a trip with my Sister
14. Have a family (come one, come all) vacation to Disneyland
15. Renew wedding vows at years 5, 7, 15 and every fifth year thereafter
16. Walk a portion of the Arizona Trail
17. Go to an inaugural ball
18. Own a book store
19. Find my happiness
20. Be on a DIY show
21. Live 100% debt free
22. Swim with dolphins
23. Learn to knit and/or crochet
24. Give blood (at least three times!)
25. Road trip to San Fran with Auntie L
26. Own a boat with a cabin cuddy
27. Learn to play tennis
28. Take an art course
29. Reupholster a piece of furniture
30. Learn to sew
31. Go on an African safari
32. Take a train ride
33. Sing one song at a karaoke bar
34. Buy a home
35. Take sailing
36. Kayak in the sound
37. Camp in a national park
38. Vacation in a penthouse
39. Play $500 on red in Monte Carlo, Monaco
40. Attend the Kentucky Derby
41. Fundraise at a formal event
42. Blow glass
43. Ride an elephant
44. Plant a garden large enough to feed my family through the seasons.
45. Own 2 ct diamond earrings
46. Live abroad
47. Learn to can
48. Stomp grapes in a vineyard
49. Read “Gone with the Wind”
50. Eat lobsters in Maine
51. Soak in Greenland
52. Buy a cake from Cake Boss
53. Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
54. Cruise the Panama Canal
55. Go to Cuba
56. Go to the Santa Claus House
57. Oktober fest in Germany
58. See turtle hatchings on the coastline of Alabama
59. Go to Mardi Gras
60. See Rockefeller Center during the holiday
61. Cedar Point Amusement Park
62. Learn a magic trick
63. Become financially educated
64. Go to Graceland
65. Walk the underground tunnels in PDX
66. Make Chambord
67. ALPHA
68. Watch AFI’s list of 100 films
69. Take a trip with Darla, Mom, Kayla and our boys- 3 generations
70. Learn to make crepes
71. Plan an AOII reunion
72. Take a one day RT to LA to eat at Spago in Beverly Hills
73. Teach an adult to read
74. Jury duty
75. Own a beach property
76. Work a season in a tourist town
77. Go on an art tour throughout Europe
78. For a year challenge my market budget to be 1800.00 (35 a week!)
79. Witness Northern Lights
80. Ride along Adam
81. Madonna concert
82. Go on a silent retreat
83. Build with Papa
84. Live without technology for a week
85. Witness a shuttle launch
86. Do a scavenger hunt
87. Complete a crossword
88. Learn the game of cribbage
89. Study my family tree
90. Premier at Grauman's Chinese Theater
91. Horse Carriage ride
92. Earn my scuba certification
93. Build a house with Habitat for Humanity
94. Mullum Mullum Creek
95. Generational family photo- all sides
96. Hire an interior designer
97. Witness my children’s passion
98. Recognition on the Babble 50
99. Mend my past
100. Find my peace

The Day My Baby Was Gone

It was like most Oregon fall days- dark and dreary, but this is where the normalcy ends. Kaden stayed with “Amama” Glover for his monthly overnight. Ashton slept in a crib. He slept until 6:00am. This is two hours past his normal wakeup hour. As the day continued more and more developments unfolded. It is as though in one day my baby is gone.

Sure, he finally sleeps in until a normal waking hour and one would think I would be more grateful. I have been asking for a later wakeup, but I now realize I must be careful what I ask for. I didn’t know that when the 4am cries disappeared, so is my baby. He army crawls. He has such power behind his arm and torso it is astounding. He has been crawling like this for months and I am still surprised at how fast he gets from A to B.

Today, he climbed the stairs. He made it to the second stair and with all his might was trying to make it up to the third stair. He huffs, grunts and sighs. He screams with delight and excitement as he tries to climb up to meet Adam and I. We are both stunned to see he has made it up the flight so quickly. I of course tell him that is a no-no. And like his two-year-old brother ignores me and goes back again and again. He is determined to be up where all the packing action is.

As I am packing up the master bedroom I hear cheerleading and applause. I kept about my packing. I run down to ask a question. I learn that he just crawled on all fours in front of Curt, Cheryl and Adam. What? He did? I guess all that army crawling is for the babies. He is moving on… literally. I don’t acknowledge it. I cannot. I have to keep my head focused on my mission: packing. I cannot think about the fact my baby is gone.

His eye to mouth coordination is fantastic. He gobbled his peas and avocado at dinner tonight. I think he landed food in the target more times than Kade. He cleared his tray. I watched him and it was as if he didn’t need me, my fork and hand. All he needed was more food in front of him. He was eating dinner unassisted and all alone. His little grunt was my queue for more food.

He likes to wiggle out of my arms to explore on the ground. He goes from place to place in the living room. He is pulling himself up with balancing himself on hearth, laundry basket and anything else he can balance himself. If you ask me, Ashton is getting a little too bigheaded. I mean a crawler one hour doesn’t mean a walker the next. I understand parents are supposed to lend support and optimism, but sometimes ya gotta bring the man down! I am not above sharing that I am not ready to see him out grow the baby stage.

As if this day couldn’t get any worse.

We go to the mall for a little (when I write little I mean 15 minutes little as it was a nightmare!) time trick-or-treating. We are leaving and I am placing him into his seat. He is sitting straight up and down in his reclined baby carrier. He was fighting me as I was trying to place him back to back. He was getting fussy and pushing back. I had to actually use more force than one should have. Again, another sign he is paying close attention to his two-year-old brother.

I am all for my boys to develop. I want both of my sons to explore, challenge, study and discover self, things, places and etc. I just didn’t prepare to see so much development in one day! He was here last night and gone tonight. Who wants to lose their baby in one day? As I write this I watch him sleep in his swing and listen to his sweet little snore. I see him cuddled up in a baby blanket and hold myself back from grabbing and clinging to him. I cannot hold him back forever. And I cannot cling to him to bring comfort.

He cannot always be my infant wrapped and swaddled in my arms. He will not go on nursing from a bottle. He will not forever smile with only gums. Diapers will not continue to remain on my market list. He will not be my tiny guy for all eternity. But one thing I do recognize is that regardless of how quickly he develops and walks into life he was blessed as my baby as he is my youngest. Since I am told he is the last he will be my baby for all eternity.

Pumpkins for Punkins

What has eight kids under the age of three miss their afternoon nap with a paintbrush in their hands? Kaden’s Annual Pumpkin Party, of course! Our little guests consisted of Brooklyn, Bee, Bryson (zon), Sadie, Laney, Melae and Kaylee.

This is the second year for this event. For me, it signifies fall has arrived. I love going to the pumpkin patch, but this party screams: FALL. I look forward to planning it and this year started in July. I know. I know. I am a planner to a fault. Hey, but remember we achieve some good parties out of this fault! This year we requested that the guests arrive in costume or festive colors. Bee wore a witch hat and her wickedly cute tee. Sadie was Tinkerbell and Laney was a pretty pink/purple fairy. Kade you wore your’ I want my mummy’ shirt and Sprite you were christened with the “My 1st Halloween” onsie. It was fun to see that there was some spirit at the party. Dad and I wore our orange gear as did Lacey.

All the kids run amuck in and out. All received a pumpkin in coming inside. We lay plastic all over the kitchen floor to catch all the paint and masterful art that could bless the floors surface. Leave it to Ashton to take a big bite out of it before the guests arrive! All the kids sat down and wanted to paint. Stickers were an okay choice, but pens were better. Before I knew it we were in the midst of pumpkin artists. Brooklyn wins the prize with her very carefully painted ghost. Bryson wins the prize for most quickly bored. He wanted to be in the middle of the action not confined to Mom’s lap. Sadie wins for most thoughtful as she made one for little sister, too.

The kids seemed to really enjoy their time. The big kids (parents) were very gracious. What everyone must know is Adam and I love to do this. Boys, we want you to have magic. It is the gift of memories filled with tradition and fun. We want you to be surrounded by all things KIDS. The added bonus is for all of us big kids it allows us an occasion that we set time aside to visit and catch-up. We all have crazy schedules and these events allow all of us to slow down and touch base. I love this. It lets us all have a piece of magic.

Auntie Larissa cleaned up most of the mess. This was truly awesome. It let me snap pictures of all the fun and catch up to guests that I had not been able to visit.
Everyone indulged in cupcakes and mini candy bars with juice and smiles. There are many fond memories, but there is one I must share. Sadie is standing outside on the slide rubbing her belly announcing to Adam, Kayla and a few others, “It is time!” Adam came in to tell Hans his three year olds role play and it was time for her to have her baby. It was roll on the floor funny. Hans asks Sadie, “What are you doing?” She explains that she is having a baby and pretending to be a mommy. I laugh typing those words. Stop growing up- all of you!

We close the party with Kaden being an absolute pill and a kid group photo.
It was such a fun two hours. All the little’s left tired eyed with their pumpkin in tow. Kayla and I chatted up our typical storm out in the rain as Bryson complained with whines in the backseat of her car.

Next year, perhaps we will host it one week earlier and most will be old enough for a game. Ooooh, the possibilities of a bigger party! I better get to planning, now.
Thanks to GG, Great Grandma Church, Auntie Larissa, Layla, The Fradenburgs and Danette for brining all the little’s, which allowed all the fun to happen! It was neat to have Papa and Cheryl pop in to help Kade and Brooklyn with their painting fun, too. We will see you ALL next year.

Lows and Highs

Am I drowning? I feel uneasy. I feel overwhelmed and perhaps lost. It is said, “The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” If this is true I wonder why my spirit feels broken. I have cried so many times in the last weeks my body inside and out should be clean- shiny and squeaky sparkling clean. I am not. I feel quite foggy, monotonous and dull. I have found myself in one of my life’s lows.

We all have periods when life seems to be riding along on a cloud. We sail and move through life as if everything we touch turns to gold. Life is good and there are no complaints. We also have periods when life is dark and lonely. Murphy himself could be lurking in the shadows for the reason that literally all that can go wrong is. Don’t say it and try not to think it, for fear something will be tainted. I knock on wood until my knuckles are sore.

I guess the purpose of sharing this is simple: Mom’s are human. I am a person. I write to share my experiences with you, so you know me. I also want to build awareness that I am not just Mom, but I am Nicole. I am a woman and a human being whom has concerns and worries as well as hopes and dreams. I also share this because I owe you boys an apology.

I may be experiencing personal challenges and hardships, but this is no reason to take out my stresses on you. I have realized during this period I have shorted you. I have given you less in my patience. I have presented you with less time. I have not offered my full attention. I have not been present. I am here with you every day, but as of late it is in body and not in mind. I am thinking of this-and-that. I am doing this-for-that.

I apologized to you both last night and I meant it. I am truly sorry. I cannot say it will not happen again. What I can say is that I am aware. I will continue to have self awareness and be optimistic this has been yet another lesson learned during my crash course in Parenting 101. As you get older I ask you to hold me accountable during these periods. Please bring me back to my center, which is smack dab between you two boys. I expect this of you as I will do this for you too. Accountability is an important virtue to uphold.

In sharing that I am not only a mom, but a person I never want you to be burdened with my stresses or concerns. One day you will understand what I mean by this, but I have found a secret place for my tears to land. It is not for your growing minds to be neither alerted to nor aware of what whirls around in my life. I know, “This too shall pass…” and in knowing this I need to remember who I am is not Nicole, but a Mom. Your Mom.

And being your mom is the highest of the highs my life will ever know.

Poo Poo in the What?

I am in Safeway deciding between my favorite Pepperidge Farms cookie selections. I receive a text to call Adam ASAP, but it is not an emergency. Well, anytime I receive a text to call home it is important. I dial home, stat. I quickly realize I am on speaker as I am greeted by Kaden and Adam. I do hear some excitement in Kade’s voice, but I cannot make out exactly what he is saying. I am a bit confused.

Why is it when you cannot understand someone you talk louder? I do this. It annoys me. I annoy me. Anyway, I am standing in front of the cookies noticing my inside shopping voice is becoming louder and louder as I try to make out what Mister is saying. “Poo. Poo. Poo. Mama.” And then I hear Adam, “Tell mama what you did on the potty.” I take a step back and in an outside yelling in the playground voice say, “You went poo, Kade? You went poo in the potty?” I notice there are people around. And I start to talk a bit quieter. The excitement is electrifying. He replies with his famous, “Uh-huh.” And I take a little victory jump into the air and as I come down slap my leg with joy telling him, “It is a red letter day, dude!”

Again, I notice people in the aisle. A woman is smiling ear-to-ear at me. Two teenagers are giggling as they past me and the guy says, “Cool. That’s cool.” And I see another woman lifting her cane in the air wiggling it for his success. I continue the phone call telling him how proud I am. I cannot believe he went poo-poo on the potty. I cannot believe I was not there. I tell Adam to take a picture for me. It is a must in any baby book. It is monumental.

I hang up the phone with my now pooping in the toilet toddler and look at the women still in the aisle. I say with a loud whisper, “It is my baby… silly, but so exciting!” The woman with the cane explained it was indeed a red letter day and to tell him Lisa is proud of him too! She couldn’t leave the aisle until she heard the end of the conversation. How neat!

It is about darn time Kaden begins to poo where it belongs. Phew. Is this a sign for easier days ahead? Whatever it is I am thrilled he did this without coaxing, so I guess like all good things we just have to wait and it will come. We have officially had poo-poo in the potty success.

Salem

COMING SOON.......

This Stinks

I don’t know what I did in my past life to have ‘poo’ as a reoccurring theme over the last years. I need to find a super naturalist, regressionist, hypnotherapist or an astrologist to learn why I constantly have to deal with poo situations! I can only think it has to be due to my past life. Is this a step up or is it a sentence for wrong doings? Either way, it stinks.

Adam and I are not pushing potty training. I think we should revisit this idea a-sap. I understand that we all get viruses. Our systems need cleaned out. Whatever the reason every person has experienced it. In the last six days Kaden has had diarrhea. He will go through a diaper every 30 minutes come the evening- 3-7pm we will change 6 or more diapers. I cannot be upset and am not upset about this. I feel for the guy, after all, it is uncomfortable for all of us. All kidding aside I do empathize and feel terrible for him each time I have to change his diaper. I dread it. I feel as though I am making him uncomfortable and brining him harms not the diaper and acid against his bum.

Kaden has a real interest in the potty. He strips down and with pride wants to sit on his potty. This last week I have caught him on multiple occasions disrobing for the potty. Immediately I yell, “STOP!” I know in that last Velcro of the diaper more is going to drop than his drawers. Here I am telling him not to pee-pee in on his potty, but last week I was making it a conversation throughout the day. What confusion he must feel.

Anyway, I go upstairs to get him after his morning nap. I open the door. It smells. I see my son squatting in the far left corner of his crib holding his knees trying to keep his balance. He isn’t saying Mama, but, “Gois”. I turn the light on and see not only a hunched over toddler, but a naked hunched over toddler. “Kaden Adam! Did you go poo in your bed?” He replies, “Uh-huh” as he hold out his hands. There is the proof… as if a puppy had been in bed with him a pile was right by his foot. He had obviously touched it and then grabbed his foot. I have been dreading the day. And it arrived: he played in his poo.

I am in a panic. What do I do with him? Ding-ding: the bath tub.
I hold him out in front of me like a spoiled bag of garbage. I spray him down with the showerhead. He is in pure dislike. He wants a bath. Negative. We have a job to do and this entails get him cleaned, sanitize the tub and crib, remove and wash all bedding, inspect the walls and floor of his room and get out of there.
I wonder aloud why we have recurring poo incidents in our home. I never thought Kaden would get to a point that he could enjoy a leisure bath instead of one ending in bleach disinfecting. To think there are careers that focus on fecal matter. They would feel so fortunate to visit our home, yet, I want to escape it!
All is clean and in good order.

I grab Ashton out of his swing. This has to be a joke! He had a blow out in his diaper into his onsie and pants. As I am changing him Kade brings me one of his own diapers. No joke- pooping mutiny on my hands. “Lay down, Kade. Mom will be right back.” All I can do to keep my sanity is keep changing the diapers. I figure if I am doing this and keeping with my daily responsibilities I have not lost it yet! But, man it stinks. I still cannot help wonder what I did to warrant all this poo.

Live Art: Little Indian

I have always heard, “Kids are fast…” Yeah, I know they are. I know that in a blink of an eye a crawler can be out the back door or a walker running into the pool. I am the Mom and have eyes everywhere. I plan for it and I can see it happen before one of you boys takes the first creep into danger. But being Mom is like any other job and we error. We get comfortable. We make expensive mistakes with our commodities ie children.

Today was one of those days I was too comfortable; and I let the eyes on the back of my head rest. Kaden and I sat at the table coloring away with his washable ink pens. Mr. Sprite was army crawling about all over the floor. As Kade and I were coloring I needed to go to the bathroom. I jumped down, kissed him and reminded him to color only on the paper and up the stairs I went. It doesn’t take very long to go to the bathroom, wash hands and return. I come down and turn into the kitchen and I gasp so deeply I have feel light headed. I have no words.

My hands slap my face and cover my mouth. I hear Kaden in the background being my copy cat and gasping exactly the same as I had. I feel my eyes burning realizing I have no blinked as I am staring down at Ashton who is colored in red marker. He has red marker in his nostrils, under his armpits, colored eyelids, coating his palms, along his ribs and three horizontal lines like an Indian from his lips to cheeks. He was a canvas of Kaden’s work. He has taken live art to a whole other level. I observed and stared taking in everything I was seeing. I was stunned. The first words I said, “Jesus God. You are not fast. You are high-speed Guinness Book material.”

Washable marker my ass! That business barely came off the kitchen floor. My infant was traumatized in the bath from the force of my firm washing to erase the marks. He is crying. I am telling Kaden he should be the one getting brutally cleaned. I kept rubbing and raking across his soft skin not knowing if the ink was being removed or it was his skin reddening due to my rubbing. When all was done I am laughing. I have no idea how I am going to survive these two boys.

I removed the markers. They are hidden. Our little Indian has recovered. Kade is definitely not a student of Van Gough or Dali. He is much more chaotic like Picasso. For now we will steer his creativity to paper letting him explore live art later. I don’t want to squelch what may be a new surrealist approach in painting or art. After all, who knows? His talent may keep me comfortable in my old age.

Apples

I have a list of things I want to do before I come to the end of my journey. And since moving back ‘home’ I have an adventure partner to seek out the Best of Portland in parks, experiences and sites. Auntie L and I seek out what we have always wanted to do in the area, but for whatever reason have never gotten around to doing. These past four years we have been making a conscience effort to really grab a hold of Portland and its beauty. Today, we took Kaden and Aston to an apple orchard to pick apples.

I had romanticized picking buckets and buckets of apples. I planned to take these many pounds of handpicked locally grown apples and make muffins and sauces thus stocking the freezer for the year. I was going to make baby food and live off the land! Then reality struck. We brought two kids and one Civic with limited space. It was just Auntie L and I and we quickly realized we needed four extra limbs per body to simply get down to the orchard well enough get the apples back to the car.

Once we made it down the dirt and grass trail there in front of us were beautiful apple trees. But I must share immediately going down the trail it was soon too obvious that I needed a wagon NOT a stroller for the terrain. This epiphany allowed us to understand the employee’s raised eyebrow look towards us as we strolled in! After pushing pulling and a whole lot of sweat and swearing we made it to the apple gold mine. There were 80 varieties amongst 100s of trees. And to be honest, most of the varieties we’d never heard of before this moment.
I thought for sure this would be something Kaden would enjoy. Acres and acres of open land to run about all he wanted. He loves apples, so surely he would be delighted to be in the trees, right? How wrong I was. It seems he wanted to be two today and bring along all the tantrum, whining and disinterest a two year old has in their little bodies. He whined, cried and complained most of the time. He wanted held and carried. So, as all good mom’s do I ignored him.

Ashton was pretty happy gumming his apple. He was happy in his bucket eating away at his fruit. Auntie and I plucked away. Kaden crabbed more and more. I found a ladder and this sparked more of his interest. He is definitely job oriented. If he has a purpose in something he is onboard and thrilled. So, I climb the ladder and hand off the apples to him to put in the bucket. This idea came to me as seamless and ingenious. I will have my apples and he is entertained. I hear thuds into the bucket as each one is being thrown with great two year old might. So, we switch.

I let him stand on the ladder to help me pick. This works great until I see Ashton needing my help. To ask Kaden to leave the ladder was the end of the world. But eventually we pried his white knuckle safely from the metal bars and off we came. All I can think is why our aunt chooses to continue the dates with us? I mean really! It is more work than play on these types of ‘days’. God bless her, for she is so patient and easy going.

As our buckets are filling we wonder how we will push, pull and carry the stroller, two apple buckets and Kaden back to the store. Going out was far easier than going in. Why is that? It always seems like forever to go somewhere, but licitly split to get back. Whatever the reason I am thankful! We picked shy of 16lbs of apples and most were Lynda’s. I didn’t pick enough to complete my Martha Stewart list of goodies, but the day was worth it. We now know what to plan for next year.

I have decided that each new place, festival and experience together is a trial run. We check it out and get a feel for what it is. We then make a plan for our return. The best part of these adventures is the fun I have with Auntie L cannot be surpassed. Murphy’s Law is usually following us, which makes for more laughter and appreciation.

Light

I am challenged as a person every day by the fact that I am a parent. My patience stretched. My endurance dared. My knowledge tested. Out of the three that I fear the most is my knowledge. I will never know, nor pretend to know all the answers to your questions. I do promise and vow that together we will research and find the answer to what you seek. Although, there will be encounters that I am at a loss to explain much like this morning.

We were up at six this morning. Kaden you scuttle to the kitchen to check on the ‘guls’. Your job is to feed Gladys and Gertrude in the mornings and One and Two (the frogs) in the evening. You open up the back door to begin the daily task, but today in the dark morning something catches your eye. You close the door and point outside. From my level I thought you were pointing at the TV reflection in the slider. I explained this was the TV, but when I squatted down to see the world at your level you didn’t have this reflection. The only reflection was you.

You pointed out towards the yard and said, “Off”. You repeated this again and again. Finally it dawned on me. You wanted the neighbors to turn off their light! I asked you,” Turn the light off?” I hear you, “Uh-huh.” “Ite, off.” As we always praise a new word I share that I noticed you used a new word, “Good word, Kade!” I continue to try to explain that the light isn’t ours to turn off. You were growing very frustrated with me. You continue to request that the light be turned off. I continue to give you all sorts of reasons as to why the light is on. I realize I am trying to give reason to a 25 month old. It isn’t working.

As if the neighbor can hear our private conversation the light is turned off. Kaden is amused. He looks at me with a Cheshire cat smile, “Seeeeeee? Off.” The light was turned off. I shake my head and get off of my knees and say, “Yep, Kade it is off.” I have no way to have you understand it wasn’t by our will or command. It isn’t mine or ours. I dread the other requests you have that I cannot meet, do not understand or cannot answer to your satisfaction. I know there will be many moments that even I am ‘off’ and I hope together we can shed our own light.

Catching Up

Every day is something new… Things are busy, so here is a quick recap:

Kaden you jump up and when you land you clap your hands saying, “Yay!”

Ashton you officially find your sitting position from your tummy.

Kaden you have great association. Every baby in a magazine is “Zon”. This is your word for Bryson.

My favorite new word, “me me” for excuse me. You use this when you interrupt or grab something from my reach. It melts my heart every time I hear it. Dad actually caught onto what ‘me me’ means. Go Dad!

Kaden you have started to have a case of the mine’s when it comes to Ashton army crawling over to take a look or play with the same toy.

Ashton you finally eat 3 square real people food meals.

We have had our first physical altercation. You slapped your brother on the head and then quickly kissed him, rubbed his head and said, “Ouch!” As if doing this was going to save you from time-out, which it didn’t.

You crawl in and out of your car seat without help.

Ashton you become enchanted by the television. You will be in the middle of play and something catches your eye or ear and you turn to the TV. You will watch it for quite a while.

Kaden officially sits at the table on a stool vs using his chair.

Kaden enjoyed his first cup of hot cocoa after a chilly walk.

The Pumpkin Patch

Every year we search out the perfect pumpkin patch. We leave thinking that THIS cannot be it. The next fall rolls around and we begin the great search again. This year I think it is unanimous and we found The Pumpkin Patch. Yes, that is its name. What a great day out at Sauvie’s Island.

Of course we had to dress in themed black and orange colors. It is a fun day, so why not make the most of it and go themed. I cannot wait until the boys are older and they can go in a Halloween costume. I am still surprised that Adam wears his orange and black without complaint. GG, Bee and Ta-Ta came in their Halloween garb. Papa and Cheryl joined in and went black. Fun!

We decided to go early. I wanted to beat any afternoon rush. And boy, were we glad for our 10 am arrival. There is so much to do and see. Thankfully we got through most of the activities that had lines before there was a wait. We figured out our plan and went for it.

Kaden you were drawn to the big John Deere tractor. You and Dad climbed on up for a ‘drive’. We headed into the barn to see the animals. Ashton watched the Quail and Kaden you watched the rabbits. You made the correct animal noises as you saw the different animals. It is so funny to hear! The big adventure was the hay ride. This year Ashton and Papa sat it out. The rest of us hoisted ourselves up onto the bed and into the patch we went.

There were many times I thought we were going to lose GG right off of the side. Her hay bail was slipping off to the side and it was a rough ride bouncing her all about. Poor little Brooklyn sad on her lap and as I thought I was slipping grabbed her leg to keep me steady. As if her 28lbs is going to keep my butt on the truck? It was a reaction- nothing personal, Bee! The ride stopped in the middle of the patch. One would think that this would be the purpose of going to the pumpkin patch- to pick a pumpkin. WRONG. We sat on the truck as the pickers loaded up their great pumpkins. We carried on with the ride and got off. Perhaps, one year we will join in this picking tradition, but for now we will buy clean pumpkins (out of crates) from the pumpkin patch store.

There was a little kid’s cow train for Bee and Kade to ride. You both passed. And we moved on to delicious snacks and food. Holy smacks, who would guess that the pumpkin patch would have such great food fair? We enjoyed pork sandwiches, hot dogs, fresh picked ears of corn, kettle corn and soda. I played with Bee and Kade in the U-Pick garden. Bee thought this ‘secret garden’ was the best. She ran through the rows yelling, “You can’t catch me, Auntie Cole.” She is right. I couldn’t. Three year olds must have super grip shoes and stealth speed to survive without incident on the slippery Oregon ground. She took Auntie L and then Cheryl for a long look and smelling adventure as the rest of us finished up our snacks.

I don’t think any of us have ever experienced a corn maze until this year. What a hoot. I can share that I could see us lost all day long. Then again, as the three year old has super grip shoes and stealth speed why wouldn’t she have internal GPS? She guided us to turn left and right as we made our way through the first half of the maze. And I kid you not; she got us to the center of the heart. The theme of the maze: The Heart of Oregon. We rang the bell (many many) times to announce we made it to the center.

We head out to conquer the second half. I cannot remember if we led ourselves back to the hearts center once or twice. Needless to say we got lost. I wonder how many times one person or group as returned to the center trying to find the exit. Papa decided to take charge and get us out. He got us turned around one time and then straight to the exit. The wrong exit as he took us back to the beginning entrance! We all had our fun at his expense. I guess only three year olds do come with GPS units.

We headed over to the pick-your-pumpkin-out-of-a -crate area. Bee and Kade were enthralled with the mini pumpkins. “Awe, baby” and gave loves, rubs and kisses before throwing back into the group. Adam and I picked out the pumpkins for Kaden’s Annual Pumpkin Party. It was time to go and a challenge to get the tots steered away from the baby pumpkin crate.

It was a great fall day and an ideal pumpkin patch temperature. We left as the crowds were trying to make their way in. It was just what our family needed- to play, enjoy and laugh. But who wouldn’t need that kind of day? Good thing it is the beginning of my favorite time of year… many of these types of days are upon us through the end of the year!

Roll Call

It is going on two weeks… it is what I call roll call.

“Mama! Mama, off!” Kade is awake.

I do some goofy thing as I come up the stairs to start the day out with a giggle. Lately, the mornings have been the roughest part of our days. There is a lot going on around you. There has been a great deal of change that you can see and feel. I think the tantrums are your way of communicating you are unsure, scared and confused as to what you see and sense. It makes sense as to why you have started your morning roll call.

I open the door and try to get a smile. You pop up.

You point at me, “Mama?”
“Yes, I am Mama.”
You ask, “Dada?”
“Dada is working.”
“Oh.”
You ask, “Papa?”
“Papa is not here.”
“No?”
“No.”
“K.”
You ask, “GG?”
“Kade, GG is working today.”
“K.”
You ask, “Ta-ta?”
“I think Ta-ta is at her house.”
“Oh. K.”
You ask the last question-
“Oso?”

I grab him out of your crib and show him to you, “Here is that silly ole Oso!”
You giggle.
You grab your Cookie Monster, your Bee as well as your blanket and push all of them into my hands as I hold your balding bear.

I am buried needing to lift you and carry you down the stairs. All is calm as the roll call is complete. We can watch ‘Lalalalala.’

FOG

It was a rainy day. It was the first day that it didn’t feel like fall, but the beginnings of winter. It was cold, wet and foggy outside. It is dark until 6:00 in the morning these days. It was just one of those typical blah-zo Oregon days. It just made me one cranky Mama.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and wrapped myself tight within my robe as I sat down on the couch and looked through the front window. As I looked out I saw my refection. I was frowning and I had sad eyes. The winter blues are setting in. As I sat there I wondered how on Earth people do actually love these days. How can I say good-bye to the warm welcoming sun to greet dark dreary depressing days? It is ludicrous! I continued to sit and stare out into the day sipping my coffee becoming more and more depressed. The fog was moving and it felt as though if it could it would creep in and suffocate me.

As all the gloom is luring me into a Seasonal Affected Disorder I hear a scream outside. Kaden’s scream was shrilling. As fast as I jumped he ran into me out of breath but still able to shout, “Mama. Mama. Mama” He came to me like dew to a leaf- a thunderbolt through the sky. He grabbed my hand and pointed outside. At two it was as if he was He-Man dragging me to go with him. He continued to points as he bellowed my name. I noticed he had a look of surprise and bewilderment in his smile. It was not one of terror or of fear.

We get outside and he jumps up and down. And for Kade a jump is ¼ of an inch high. It is only noticeable because of his overly exaggerated knee bending and arm movements. He then leaned over the play-gate and pointed out into the yard. He swooshed his hand back and forth through the open air. He was touching the fog. It was as if I was seeing my angel touch the clouds. He was amazed at the fog. He was pleased to share his found treasure with me.

I sat down on the threshold of the door with my knees up and arms around them as I held my coffee. I sat and observed Kaden dancing around the clouds. He hopped and twirled. He giggled and tried scooping it up with the palm of his hand. It was breath taking. Once again, I see the world for the first time. This is the gift I receive as a Mom that is one of renewal. The drear no longer existed.

Framily

9/18/2009

Our family is fortunate to have friendships that span through generations. Adam has friends that are his parents’ friend’s children. I have friends who are the children of my parents. It is as though we have an extended family tree. The branch I now call “framily.” It isn’t just adding someone as an extension to our family. It is much more. I have been blessed to have a few overly special people in my life, but I have not known how to ‘label’ their importance. I never felt as though I could describe it accurately; and “framily” is exactly the term!

A few months ago, Kayla shared the term “framily”. This lady is my touchstone, my dearest of dear friends. Since hearing this word I have revisited it many times. What is this so-called “framily”?

It is to choose a friend to be family. It knows water can run deeper than blood. It knows in your heart of hearts you would do anything come hell or high water for these cherished people- just as you would for your biological family. It knows the answer is “Yes!” before the request or favor is asked; and it would always be returned. It is never keeping score. We do when we can without hesitation. It is a quiet understanding and stored secrets. It is someone who may know you better than those you were raised. Tonight, Kayla told me, "Our friendship is a bond that has been life changing." Could there be a higher complement? I second this emotion! “Framily” are people you want to share in your celebrations (marriages, pregnancies), bring to your victories (houses, jobs) and hold to in sadness (losses, disappointments) and sometime these people know before anyone else. “Framily” is a kinship.

I hope that we are the beginning of a unique ‘framily’ tree with the Buyas/Adams family. My Mom and Darla (Dawa) have been friends since middle school. Darla has been ‘framily’ long before I knew something beyond the term ‘like family’. Her daughter, Kayla, and I have known each other since Kayla was born. Jake and Blake have been friends with Lucas and Cody for years, too. Kayla and I reconnected in 2006. Kaden you are 10 months older than Kayla and Bill's oldest Bryson (Lil). What buddies you two are! Ashton you will be 10 months older than their baby boy due in December. This is also true for Toni and her son Mason. Mom and Toni have known one another since high school. I have known Toni's son since year one of his life. He graduates this year. I cannot wait to see where his life takes him. He is in my heart forever. They are 'framily.' I have the same hope for both Matt and Robert Molner. They are the son's of Bob and Pam, who are long time Rardin family friends. How neat! I imagine three generations experiencing, growing and being together. It is unique and a real gift to share in this multigenerational friendships.

Last night I shared with Mom (through a text message) how much Kayla means to me. She replied, “And that my dear is who your heart friends are. We all have many friends, but the ones that we hold dear to our hearts the ones that really, really get it- those are the ones. And in reality we have a few.” Oh, the ‘framily’ wisdom is all around.

The best part about being ‘framily’ with Kayla is the gratitude, respect, appreciation, honesty and love we have for one another. We thank one another weekly for our friendship. We honor one another’s choices. We have appreciation for the small and the big. Our love never goes unknown. We share the expression several times in a week. It may just be a quick “love you, friend” text or “I love you” after a phone conversation, but it is always said- always.

I have ‘framily’ in Arizona, Eric as well as Erin in Texas. I miss them every day and even more here lately. Our ties outlast distance and time. These are people I hope you boys come to know as you grow older. I cannot wait to introduce my entire family to these special people and their family. I love them with all of my heart.

“Framily” is an intertwining of friendship and family. And as you read this I imagine you will understand ‘framily’ as you boys have created your own expansion off of our tree. My ‘Mom hope’ is in many-many years I will be sitting at a party watching my son's children playing together with the grandchildren of our friends creating a circle of four generations. What a thought…

Monumental Day

It was a monumental day: Kade went to the pet store to get his first pet. We went in with the intent to buy goldfish. Goldfish have no maintenance and small quarters, so it seemed the best compromise. In walking around we decided that a goldfish was kind of boring. No offense to the fish, but not really ‘fun’ for our guys-guy. So, he now has two frogs to call his very own!

Adam is trying to convince me to name the frogs Hank and Ledoux. Really? How about naming them something Kaden can say or better yet after something he likes? The whole ride how was screaming in the back, for all he wanted was to hold the frogs. When we got home he kept asking, “off-off” this is the word for on and out. He wanted the frogs out.

We are keeping them on the mantle. At dinner he sat down and pointed to the ‘ush’ (I think this is his word for fish) and pointed down to the table. So, I let all of them celebrate their homecoming over a meal. He was delighted! Of course, we now have to add kissing the frogs bowl two times (once per frog) to the list of other items/things he kisses before heading up for naps and bedtime.

One Year and 85 Later

Boys,
Today marks one year and 85 blogs of memories. Memories I have reread and therefore have been blessed to relive. In setting out to journal about our life it was to capsule both the big and small. Time fades our memory and in a year I have forgotten days and stories I sat down and read (and I wrote it!). I didn’t have an expectation of what I was setting out to do other than give you the gift of stored memories. I have surpassed my own expectations and have written far more than I imagined.

Life has a way of taking hold and people forget to put themselves on their own list. When I began ‘Mudpies and Butterflies’ back in September of 2009 it was for you. Through this period I have realized this journal is a gift to me, as well. It gives me scheduled time to relax, laugh and at times cry. I have been able to really live in the moment of our days. I’ve reminded myself how much pleasure I find in writing. It is my hobby; and I set it aside far too long.

Writing gives me raw time to think, question and answer. I thought I was questioning myself to find answers to later pass along to you. In doing so I have come to know myself more and challenge myself to improve who I am for not only you, but for Dad and myself. It has taken one year of chronicling our days to learn what I have created is a story the journey of motherhood in order to give you your story. This was my revelation last night.

I have been unable to include everything that is touching, funny and historic. I have to make priorities and unfortunately there are days when writing doesn’t make this list. There are periods when days turn into weeks. I fall behind. I want to write in current time, so my memory doesn’t embellish. We have experienced great get-a-ways with Auntie L and the Glovers. Kaden you have coffee talks with Papa out on the patio. Ashton you scare in a crowd, which became obvious at both Bee and Kade’s birthday parties. You have met Auntie Gina and Hanna. I didn’t have the energy to include my period of postpartum. I have not been able to document our adventures in house buying. It has been a full year and in your hands you hold most of it!

My surprise isn’t the 85 entries, but the amount of support and readership ‘Mudpies and Butterflies’ receives. I post our story on a social network site. People have mailed me as well as posted comments to the different entries. I took time last night and copied each comment from the site attaching it to the correct entry on the blog. I think it is important you experience these notes. I encourage anyone to write to you or include a sidebar on what I have shared. Jana has shared here. Have included works from GG, too. It will be nice to visit there memory and perspective in the years ahead.

To answer the most common question- No I do not complete rewrites of the entries. It is what it is. This is why there are spelling errors, half thoughts and imperfections. I write as time allows and at times it is a short amount of time to cpmplete a large flow of thought. Periodically, I am asked what my plan is for this journal. I have been encouraged to seek publication. Some have requested I start a newspaper column. I have received multiple offers to write for different blogs, which I have turned down.

One year later and 85 entries later my mission remains the same. As Francis Bacon advices, I will continue to “write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought are commonly the most valuable.” Mud Pies and Butterflies has great value, for it is our family’s memory. In time it will house the key to our past. Today I celebrate ‘Mudpies and Butterflies’ unlocking the memory of one full year.

Here is to moving forward and still holding tight.

Mom

*If you read the blog, I encourage you to sign up as a ‘Follower’ on the left side panel. As you know you do not need to do this to continue reading ‘Mudpies and Butterflies’. Once you become a Follower you do not receive anything, nor are you spammed. It is a tool to help gage readership as well as help in the future needs for our memory bank.*

Band of Brotherhood

My breath has been taken away… The same feeling I experienced in seeing you boys for the first time blessed me again. Today, you two locked eyes and shared in a quiet moment. It was as if just the two of you existed alone. There was no noise. You quietly sat together and smiled to one another reaching for the others hand. Kaden when you went to get up you kissed the top of Ashton’s head. Ashton your eyes followed your brother out of the room as far as your head could follow… This is life at its best. This is the good stuff.

I see growth in each of us. As we develop as individuals we are growing together as a unit. Today I was blessed to witness this first hand. Boys, you are forming a rich and exclusive relationship to call your own. A relationship in its purest form founded upon trust, kindness and comfort. It is coming with ease as are the parameters. I watch you interact and it is as though you know the other better than I. Is this possible? Do you?

Kaden you are smitten with your ‘bubby’. My heart dances for how caring and tender you are towards him. You bring him toys. You sit next to him sharing a storybook or treasure. If he is in danger of rolling into a space or reaching something not to be had you protect him in saying, “No No”. And although you have been known to drag him by an arm I do know it was an action of love. Your objective: to keep him safe. You do not leave the house nor go to bed without kissing ‘baby’. He is the first person you ask for when you wake. He is never forgotten about and always desired.
Ashton you are in wonderment every time you see Kaden. You follow him with your eyes in and out of a room. You observe him playing, eating and doing. You roll up along next to him to be close. You have a soft smile only reserved for him. When you cry he wipes away a tear and you coo. You trust him.
You are becoming a team- a band of brothers.

I am confident as the days turn into years you two will share in many tender moments. As these experiences take place the band will tighten between you two. I think what you two are forming cannot be explained. As the world stands around the outside of you we will never fully understand the intricacy of the bond you share and from the inside neither of you will be able to explain it. And this is love. To be a witness to this is life at its best. This is the good stuff. This is the best stuff.

Red Letter Day

It is a red letter day here on Pinecreek Way. Kaden went pee-pee in the potty!
I was in the shower and he asked to jump in. I asked him to strip down. He tore off his jammies and diaper. I opened up the shower curtain and he refused to come in. Well, past experience has taught me that I don’t allow him to runabout naked. I gave him two options: In the shower with me or get on his potty and stay put. He opted for his potty.

I poked my head out and checked on him. I had to remind him to sit back on the potty, which he did very quickly. I wrapped up my shower and see that a pile of toilet paper on the floor. As I always do I asked him if he went pee-pee in the potty. And as he always answers he replied, “Yes.” And to my surprise he did. He went pee-pee in the potty!

I was so excited. I was yelling and screaming in pure glee. He thought he was in trouble and started stepping back and frowning to begin crying. He soon understood the excitement. His frown turned to a smile. He was delighted with himself repeating ‘Pee-pee” and pointing to the potty. We instantly made two pee-pee in the potty phone calls to both Dad and GG who were at work. As he heard them answer he instantly smiled and with pride in his voice announced, "Hi! Pee-pee." Oh, how animated they both were with him. He felt good about this achievement.

I am keep good thoughts that we keep with the flow of things.

The picture was taken after the hoopla and the diaper replaced.

I 'Dig' Two

We celebrated your birthday at Tanner Creek. This is the same park your ”Fun of One” party was hosted. Due to the rain the park closed the water feature for the season. There is a play area near the shelter. We (okay, I) chose your theme: Tonka Construction. You like dump trucks, tractors and etc, so it is fitting. We decided not to give goodie bags, but to provide your guests with yellow construction hats. They had the option to decorate their hat with paint, glitter glue, foam construction stickers or Sharpies (I am THAT cool!). We also brought in a small pool filled it with sand and put a few construction trucks and digging tools to play. The cake was your favorite: Banana Bavarian Crème filling with whipping cream frosting.

We will have your second birthday pictures taken with the Tonka truck Great Grandpa and Grandma Rardin gave you. You will wear the Carhartt sweatshirt and tee you received from Robert. It is going to be adorable! Our family is going to enjoy the year membership to The Children’s Museum from the Jones’. And of course Great Papa made a train for you, which will sit on a shelf. So lucky for your The River’s gifted you a fantastic train that you can build with blocks. Each gift you opened you turned around to “Ta Ta” and “GG” and said, “Off. Off.” The funny moment was after you opened “Dawa’s” gift of two motorcycles with a truck and trailer. You put the bike (hot wheel size) on the ground and literally tried to ride it! The crowd laughed so hard. The big reveal was your Harley bike from Papa and Grandma Kristi. Dad pushed as you rode around saying “ank ewe” to each of your guests.

Since the party you have been a Picasso coloring in the color book from the Newman’s with the art supplies and desk from GG. You cuddle up with Cookie Monster during Sesame Street from the Adams and want to read the ‘pee-pee’ book every night before bed that they gave you, too. You walk around squishing a singing dog from Aunt Jana and look forward to playing golf. You were hesitant to use your drill as it is a ‘no no’ in the garage. It took some coaxing, but now you build the days away, thank you Fradenburgs. You have enjoyed bath time with the characters from Toy Story the Newman’s kindly gave to you. I listen to static all day from the walkie-talkies “Ta Ta” gave you and fight you tooth and nail to keep the lawn mower outside. The tape measure stays in your pocket and the bath paint in the closet until Ta-ta comes to play! Dave and Megan scored on the cars. They make noise and light up. You sit outside and drive them under and over things.

It was great to see Janet and special to have your Great Great Grandma and Aunt there. Your Gx2’s get such a kick out of you! Uncle Jake looks forward to playing baseball (Go, lefty!), so he will help you defeat the tball set he got you. As always, it is delightful to see the Molner’s.

You have no idea how lucky you are in love. You have so many people who care for you. It warms my heart how special you are to so many. You shared in special moments with lots of different people throughout your day. Different individuals took you to the playground as well as crafted hats with you. When the time came we sang happy birthday and you blew out your candles in one breath. May all your wishes and dreams come true!

“Ta-ta” and GG came through (as always). GG brought me a coffee early in the morning to get the party planner awake in me. And “Ta-ta” arrived at 9:30 to help me get it together, hang signs and set up as Dad worked until 11:00. GG ran last minute errands and helped Ta-ta in tear down duty. Phew. It takes a crew to get these events up and down; and I would not have it any other way!

It is an honor to host your party. It is a time to celebrate you, your birth and life to date. I hope you enjoy this tradition as much we do! I ‘dig’ you being two and really do believe it will be ‘loads’ of fun.

GO GO GO

I sit and watch you with great anticipation.

There you go… awe, darn. Oh, oh, oh. You almost have it. Up up, there you go! Almost, buddy. Uh, uh, oh those darn hands. Keep going, go, go, go…

Any day you are going to start crawling. You have been rolling about since you were four months old and have zip zoomed around the house faster than I can catch you! The army crawl started about a month ago. You have been getting up on all fours for a couple of weeks. Today, you have started to rock it. You rock back and forward. You have taken a few scoots backwards, but I have not seen you travel by knee in the forward direction.

Daddy and I know we will soon have a crawler on the floor. I am not ready for this milestone. I am so not ready to let you go into the world alone (even if it is in our living room)! I had to pose the following question, “Is it wrong to push Ashton down during his crawling attempts?” And I have to share there was great support in keeping you tummy up. I am not against you being mobile for logistical reasons, but rather emotional reasons.

But as Mom’s do I cheer you on. I help you to find the balance and build the muscle needed to crawl. I swallow the lump in my throat and find the words of encouragement to applaud your efforts. But secretly, I imagine lightly tapping you back down to the ground. And I am quickly brought back down to my own reality as I see you in position a little bit longer with your tongue out for concentration. I am proud, glad for you and excited for us. You are prepared for this milestone. I am simply not prepared to let my baby set out and go, go, go.

We Are Two

Kaden,

Where has the time disappeared? I have to shake my head and close my eyes to bring me back to the reality that you are two years old. I have a two year old. Boy, how old do I feel? I feel as if I have always had you and yet you are still so new to me, new to the world. I am in awe of how quickly you have grown into a little person. It terrifies me that sooner than I like I will be forced to call you a young man. I am not ready to let go of my baby. I don’t know what mom is ever ready to see her baby turn to tot to young man into an adult. I can see how quickly time disappears. Aren’t we lucky I have eyes everywhere; and I do my best to see every moment of your life unfold!

You are careful, funny and nurturing. If I was given three words to describe you those would be it. This is how I have described you since you were a baby-babe. I guess we are who we are from the very start. You have given me the gift of laugher like I have never known. . I have never laughed more. You are one funny guy. I cannot wait until you choose to speak. The days will have me in stitches. This morning is a great example.

Today you woke up and I knew you were two from the tantrums you preformed throughout most of the morning. Well, this Mama won’t stand for it. As someone once told me, “Kaden is stubborn, but you are determined.” I don’t know if truer words were ever spoken. In the middle of a tantrum I looked at you and said, “Birthday or not this attitude is not okay. Being two isn’t as bad as being the Mom of a two year old. It all stinks. We are in it together, so we have to deal with it! The good news is they tell me it gets better!’ It was like magic. You stopped looked at me with your crocodile tears and red runny nose and simply said, “k” and walked away. I giggled inside, for you had no idea what I said and yet you were so agreeable. I won.

I see you sit and play with many of the same toys you received on your first birthday. You love the yellow train from the Jones family. Daddy dressed you in your camo vest for one of its last wears that the Adams’ gifted you. You asked me to bring down the rocking horse The Glover’s had given you. And to watch you climb up and ride without any help took me back a year. This same day last year you didn’t walk! It is amazing how far we come in a year. I don’t see you growing before me, but it shows in your outgrown clothes and new learned abilities. Your awareness to the world is one that constantly reminds me you are growing-up.

I watch you get bread ‘toes’ out of the bag, open the door to the toaster, cram the bread onto the rack, slam the door shut and press the button. Each time I see this I question where you learned this. I didn’t take you aside and show you this step-by-step routine. As you climb into your car seat and put your straps on I rub my eyes to be certain you did do exactly that. I didn’t ask you to show me you could do this. Who taught you? I hear the Velcro of your diaper coming undone finding you wanting toe-pee on the potty. How did you know to do this? This past year you have been absorbing your surroundings and teaching yourself along the way. You sit alone reading a story aloud laughing at the same parts we do when I read the same story to you. Your memory is in overdrive creating an imagination that I cannot believe you have at the inexperienced age of two.

You have started to test boundaries. Your wants are becoming demands. You communicate through tantrums, which I hope will dissipate as your vocabulary grows. You continue to go to bed without hesitation often asking for ‘nye-nye’ in the middle of the day. You enjoy cooking dinners with me and garage time with Dad. The water is your greatest pleasure. Motorcycles are a fondness turning to passion. You have a best buddy, Bryson and a couple of best girls namely the Brooklyn’s. You love to create through coloring mostly with ink pens. You could spend all day every day outside. Your nature is to organize, clean-up and fix things. You are the first to run for a towel to absorb a spill, put a bottle on its side up right and use a wrench in the right area to fix a bike. You are a smart cookie.

Today is the day we celebrate you, but birthday or not I celebrate you every single day. I celebrate the person you are becoming. I celebrate the person you are making both your Dad and me become. I celebrate your love, trust, humor and creativity. I celebrate first words, new actions and learned behaviors. I celebrate the quiet moments and loud overtures. I celebrate mudpies and the wonder of butterflies all because of every single day all because of birthdays.

Happy birthday Mister Man, happy-happy birthday! I wish you a year of wonderment and exploration. Take time to follow the ants in the driveway and chase cotton in the wind. Get out and play in a puddle without your shoes and swing a stick at a bush. Test me as a person and mother each day. Scream from frustration, but mostly with glee. Fight me to induldge in cake, cookies and M&Ms every day. Just do it. Enjoy the joys of being two.

I will.

I love your guts,
Mom

Anything Like Your Dad

Boys,

I heard this song last month. I pulled the car over to the side of Harrison Street in Milwaukie. I wanted to hear the words. As I listened I had tears rolling down my face. I was moved...

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy I'm ok
Then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said "You see that thing right there well you know what that means"

And I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me
He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride hes bike to fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast
He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass in a window down the street
He's gonna get in trouble oh he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

I can see him right now knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass trying to melt a Tonka truck
Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love til his first love comes along
He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me

He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skipping class and be grounded for a week
He's gonna get in trouble we're gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback if he's anything like me

He's gonna love me and hate me along the way
Years are gonna fly by I already dread the day
He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he cant wait to leave
But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out If he's anything like me
there's worse folks to be like
Aw he'll be alright if he's anything like me

- Brad Paisley "Anything Like Me"

There will probably come a day when you think and may even say aloud that you don't want to be like Dad, or either of us. I think every child says this to their parents. It is a rite of passage within childhood. However, if you two are anything like your Dad you will be better than alright. I promise.

Raining Pee-Pee

It must be fall! I think Spring and Fall are my favorite seasons. I do say this at the start of every season. I am fickle. The change of the seasons brings so much newness and each has such a magic all its own. I am thankful seasons last only three months it is about this time I become bored ansy for a change!

Here it is the first signs of fall. The leaves are starting to change (early!). It is the first day of school. I hear the school bus as earlier than we do the garbage man. Not my favorite part of the season! Gosh, Brookyn is in the first grade and Bee enters Pre-K. The days of fall are forever changing...

The air is crisp and the Oregon weather is setting in. It rained. It poured. It was dark early tonight. Another part of the season I could pass-on. I will miss the long days of summer when the sun greets us at 5am and disappears after 9pm. I will miss sitting out and watching Kaden splashing about in the pool. But, I can see there is so much to look forward to this fall (for Kaden reminds me yet again) that not only are seasons forever changing, but so are my boys.

We are driving in a dark rain. As the rain rolls down his window he traces the drops with his fingertips. Adam and I hear him giggle and say, "Pee-Pee!" I look back at him and then to Adam asking if I heard him correctly. "Mama, pee-pee, Mama, Mama, Mama, pee-pee." Yep, I guess so. He has an obsession with going to the potty, but never going pee-pee. I figured this is what he wanted to do- go to the potty.

He continues being excited and proud. After further observation Adam and I realize Kaden is pointing to the raindrops. He is associating the streams of water with, well, PEE-PEE! We laughed and laughed. The kid spoke and I can only guess come next fall he will associate rain with Heaven having plumbing issues.

We continue our drive into all the fall fun ahead pee-pee and all.

Beginnings Are Scary

“Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.” This quote is one of my favorite movie quotes. There is great wisdom being shared. I just love Hollywood!

Today I thought a lot about beginnings and endings and that each brings a host of emotions such as happiness and scariness.

I look at history and see how it repeats itself again and again. Is this because we as humans do what we know, so we continue the pattern or do we carry it on because we are scared as to what is held in a new beginning? Either or it doesn’t matter. The fact is that we follow patterns; and it takes courage, love, faith and knowledge to leave behind the familiar and move into the unknown and begin anew.

Each life is offered possibility. Within this possibility is hope of greatness. I am not writing of riches and wealth, but of opportunity, accomplishment and human goodness. We can all fall to a place we are not proud (many of us do!) and it is our hope for something greater and belief we are worth something more that we find ourselves believing in new possibilities. It is a desire to want more than we have had whether it is emotionally, physically and/or mentally than we have allowed for.

We must have hope of ourselves to receive the hope from those we love. As we enter new phases and explore new life sometimes we need a hand to hold. We need help finding the balance between what is scary, sad, happy and exciting. Take the help that is extended. Do what you need in order to make it through the scary to find what counts. At the end of the day you must measure the good from the bad- no one else can do this for you.

And what I have concluded is that each day is a new beginning. All things that have been before need no longer apply. It is a fresh start- a clean slate if you will. Seize it and make it count. As your face meets the sunshine and feet hit the ground run into the beauty of the day. Open your arms as well as your mind to find what counts and doing what you need to give way to your hope to float up.