Little Hot Hands

There comes a time in every parent’s journey when we have to sit down with our child to discuss right from wrong explaining that there is a difference in sharing, yours and there’s. And continue in more detail that it is wrong to take what is not yours or what is not offered to you. However, how does a mom of a thirteen-month-old do this?

Seriously, I am at a total loss; Adam is at a loss. How do we explain to our son that he cannot have little hot hands?

Kaden is not the best shopper. He has a 20 minute span of time he allows for any shopping cart expedition. I think he times it from the moment he is seated and buckled… ready, set and go! Mom has exactly 20 minutes starting at this point until all shoppers and employees witness (visually and/or hear) a complete toddler melt down.

Tick-tock… we are off.

I have to gather party supplies for the upcoming First Annual Pumpkin Decorating Party, which of course Kaden has asked us to host. We love a good social so Adam and I obliged. Anyway, I have my list until it is ripped out of my hands. It is half in Kaden’s mouth while the other half floats out before the cart.

I grab my list from his mouth and try to maneuver within a very tight aisle. As I am nearing the front of the cart starting to bend over I see Kaden has set himself free. He has come out of his buckle! He is peering over the front of the cart. It is as though he is thinking of jumping overboard. I yell, “Kaden sit!” as if he is one of our dogs. “Kaden sit!” doesn’t exactly work. I finagle my way to save the day rescuing the boy who doesn’t even know he is in distress.

I am Mom of the day. I can’t take a bow, for I know I have to keep the flow. The clock is against me.

I am busy trying to make out the bleeding ink from the partially eaten list. I hear the rustling of plastic and then a soft noise on the side of the cart. Kaden is taking it upon himself to reach behind him tossing out of the basket items he doesn’t believe we need for his party. According to him, we needed to scratch: paper plates, napkins, crayons and a large plastic bowl. The large Halloween bowl was pitched several times; I finally put it on his head like a hat. It stayed there.

A fellow shopper observes the battle. At this point, I know my time is very limited and the meltdown is only minutes away. The fellow shopper hears our conversation as Kaden garbles back at me as I explain he needs to sit tight. She interrupts, “Oh, wow. Your son is much like my husband. He doesn’t think I need to purchase most of the stuff that I buy either!”

I am picking out the products as he realizes the aisles are narrow and as a bonus his arms have grown. He reaches out… voila! He is able to grab this-and-that. He looks at me with his mischievous smile and softening brown eyes as he holds tight his new found treasure… a towel. I try to remove the towel from his grasp and he begins to white knuckle it. I am bigger. I win. He cries. I walk faster.

I begin to move quicker. I am no longer shopping. As he tosses items out of the cart it feels as though I am back in our living room picking up his toys. I pick up a toy and he focuses on something he shouldn’t have i.e. the laptop or a remote. I continue to pick up packaged napkins and plates he has chucked and he grabs goods off the shelf. I confiscate the items from his dimpled hands. It is a horrible and tiring cycle.

I think the cart tossing game is his decoy to shop for himself.

Thanks to all of his game play obstacles and fake outs we are 10 minutes into shopping overtime. I head straight to the checkout. Whew! We made it to the finish line and he hasn’t started to fuss. I am safe. I unload the cart onto the belt. I pay and we leave.

Little Mr. Hot Hands was such a good little shopper!

We go home and I show Adam the party supplies. I am unpacking the bags as I share the statement from the fellow shopper. I pause. I know this isn’t ours. I didn’t buy this, did I?

I locate the receipt and scan down the items column. I surely did! I bought a package of two toothbrushes and a pack of gum. Hmmmm. I didn’t put this on the belt. Oh, wait! I left Kaden alone all the way at the other end of the cart as I was waiting to run my debit card. I left him leering at all the compulsive buys hanging on the narrow shelf at the checkout lane.

The plus is he isn’t a kleptomaniac. We have hope; we did pay for the items. Is the next step a pat down upon leaving the store? He is THIRTEEN MONTHS of age for crying out loud!

I guess he taught me the lesson of sharing, yours and there’s as best a one-year-old can. If you buy something it is yours…even if you sneak it. Funny, much like a Kleptomaniac he hasn’t remembered the items he just had to have.

I have been waiting for the day when his little hot temper allows me to complete a shopping trip without timed agility and aerobic energy. I now add to the wait for his little hot hands to refrain from ‘buying’ on his parent’s credit.

It is true, what is ours really is their's.

Dreams

There is a magic about dreams and a mass interest in learning the meaning of dreams. Is it a prediction? Is it my past? Is it a symbol? I have dreamed so vividly it was as though I was actually outside of myself returning to my body as the alarm buzzed. I rarely consider the meaning of my dreams. Sure it is interesting, but I don’t lose sleep over why the caped man sits with me on a park bench sharing a scoop of Camel Gelato while it rains in front of us and remains perfectly sunny behind the bench. I wake up and usually after an hour can barely remember the rain or the ice cream. I don’t dissect it. I chalk it up to my mind in overdrive mixing many of my day’s events into one thought.

Being pregnant takes dreams to a whole different level. It is almost as though when my eyes are shut I am hallucinating! It is an 8 hour acid trip of some very strange ideas and situations. I remember being pregnant with Kaden. I had several irrational dreams...

I gave birth to a very long blackberry bush. I decided this was preparing me for the overall length of labor and painful delivery. My favorite was one of an ultrasound. I was in a very large and sterile room with my ultrasound seen on an old television. You know the kind of televisions that have the two turn dials this was my ultrasound monitor! The tech kept changing the channel to get a better view of the baby. I learned I was having a puppy. The puppy stared right at me with its adorable white fluffy hair happy as could be. These are just two of my favorites…

It is interesting that pre or post pregnancy I typically can’t recall what I dream an hour after I am awake; however, I can recall a year and half later, very vividly, dreams I had 18 or so months ago. The brain is a mysterious sponge.

Pregnant again and the dreams have resurfaced, which keep getting better.

A few nights ago I dreamed I was trapped in an oversized IV bag hanging from the stand. I was facing the door and the fluids kept me from making any noise for visitors to save me. I just doggie paddled in the bag and with exhaustion. It was strange because as I looked down over the room with a birds-eye-view the room appeared oversized. Although, as a character in my dream, as my swimming self, I seemed tiny. What does this mean?

A few nights later the IV dream elaborated from its original version. I was in the IV bag floating in a liter of fluids holding my passport! What? I admit I have given this dream more thought. Does this suggest that once my water breaks Adam and I will no longer travel?

Last night my dream took on a script and illustration all of its own. I dreamed we are having a daughter. She comes out dressed in a beautiful lavender and purple tulle skirt with a perfectly adorable silver threaded buttoned cardigan with buttons of crystal hearts. Her toe nails are painted a pale pink. She even has a little silver bow gathering her few sprouts of hair. That’s my girl who is all dressed up for her party!

Fascinating is all I can say.

The dreams are at least entertaining to share with others. I have 19 more weeks of these deliriums; and with each dream I can’t help but wonder why pregnant women dream the suggestions we do. I know I have an active imagination and a dramatic personality, but these dreams are even over the top for me!

I wononder what the sandman has in store for me tonight...

We Are Having A...

Thursday, October 8, 2009, we had your 20 week ultrasound. It was a long week and this was exactly what Daddy and I needed. We needed to see you, our Littlest Rardin, in all your 20 week glory!

The hardest part of the ultrasound was actually not peeing my pants. I had been given so many liters of fluids throughout the week and still I had to drink 32oz of water in completion the hour before our appointment! I thought for sure my pores were going to leak or you would burst out of my naval. The tech gelled my tummy up and started probing. I had to ask. I just had to. “Do women ever pee their pants when you began putting pressure on their abdomen to locate the cervix and bladder?” To her knowledge and to my surprise the answer was no. I was almost the first! However, she did relieve me early. She could see via the ultrasound how full my bladder was and had no worries it would quickly fill up again. I didn’t let her down. She started again and within moments my bladder was totally bulging full again!

We see both your feet and arms. Your four chamber heart beats away. Your little head is tucked under into your body as far as you can get it. It seems that you like to have your head tucked under as you bend in half. This was your position much of the ultrasound. I held back tears; This was my best medicine. Daddy asks me why I am so quite, for if you haven’t already you will learn this is abnormal. I tell him I am just watching the screen. But between you and me, I was counting my blessings over and over. There you were appearing healthy and flourishing. I was reflecting on the last few hardships and seeing you gave me a sense of peace. Thank you for this gift, little one. Thank you for thriving and staying where you need to be, which for now is right under my heart.

You were a wiggler. We could see it on the screen, but I am still not feeling you at this time. How can you be 7 inches from head to rump and I don’t feel you? Seriously, this boggled me. The answer is simple. The placenta attached itself to the anterior of my uterus. Due to the fibrous makeup it takes a bit longer to feel you swim.

The nice lady asks us to close our eyes. It is time… it is time to see between your legs. There are three (okay, 4) of us in that room and one of us knows the gender! I don’t think at 20 weeks you have this identity, do you? We all make light that she is quite the secret keeper. She doesn’t slip once after knowing. She still calls you ‘baby’. She is good...

We sit in a room with many photos of you being printed off. We know in the mix is a gender picture. She leaves the room with the photos.

Daddy and I are still not certain if we will learn of your gender before your birth. I believe in the surprise. Parents use the ‘must plan’ as the reason they find out. I think this is a copout! Obviously, parents have done fine for years and years not knowing and still planned fine. Parents should be comfortable with the decision of learning during the ultrasound owning the reason of simply just wanting to know. Our reason to wait and the reason of wanting to know are both okay!

Daddy is a bit more anxious to learn your gender. I remember the moment he shared with the waiting family when Kaden was born. He announced we had a boy. I would love for Dad to have this moment again. It is totally up to him. And I will support the decision. I have my secret hopes to wait, but you will learn love is a balance of give and take.

She returns with your photos and a white sealed envelope. On the outside of this envelope is written: And It Is A…. Inside the envelope is your gender photo and a white slip of paper. On this paper I wrote boy (Curtis Ashton) girl (Aurora Grace) and asked the tech to circle the correct gender and name. In this envelope your photo sits with your chosen name. Hope you like it!

We have the envelope hanging on the front of our fridge. It has been there a week; I still have not had an urge to open it. If we do I can’t take it back. I fear I will later regret finding out vs waiting to hear your Daddy’s announcement and meeting you in my arms.

One day you may ask why we chose to keep the results in an envelope instead of asking the midwife if we decide to know? The answer is simple. To learn if we will welcome a son or daughter into our family is an event. It should be shared by our loving family. It is not something Daddy and I want to learn in a dark room with a goopy tummy not able to completely celebrate the joy. It is not something I want to learn at the clinic without Dad. I didn’t want to tell people our joy over the phone. Kaden’s gender was a surprise and unique (not finding out at the ultrasound) to our times. We want you to have your story.

If we decide to find out what oh what you are we will invite our family to dinner. We will be surrounded by full hearts and anticipation. Daddy and I will open the envelope and he will announce if you are a boy or a girl. We will all see for the first time your gender together. If we don’t wait for your birth you too will have your own unique story.

I want your (life) story to be majestic. Your introduction plays the first act of this story. This is your beginning and so far it is so darn good. I make this promise-throughout your life I will do my best to help with your life’s beauty helping to create it unique to you according to what you will want to fill your pages. I will be honest in that I am sure I will lose sight, but only for your best interest, I am sure!

Since the ultrasound, I have felt you move (see a previous blog). Sprite, we have 19 weeks left of you and me. I can hardly believe how quickly this mark arrived. I imagine what our life will be like. I don’t romanticize a family of four with two children under two. I know there will be challenges, but in thinking of a creating a home filled of giggles, messes and silly times the challenges will be well worth the efforts. Daddy and I chose this journey and we are so excited! We can’t wait to see what unravels for our growing family. Daddy and I look forward to meeting our little person.

I feel you. I love you.

Mom

It Takes a Village...

I have spent the last few days catching up to time. I have realized the time is gone, so I am wasting current time trying to get back fragments of the time I lost last week... It seems foolish to continue this cycle.

Last week was a long week. It was a sad and scary week.

When you are ill having a one-year old and an unborn it becomes difficult to make a rational decision as to what is important to do. I have to care for both of my children. I was forced to choose: If I continued my daily routine the stress could harm the baby, but if I was on bed rest who would care for our son? I ran through our ‘People List’ and everyone has a seemingly full plate and how selfish to add my issues to it. Adam I agreed that this time we had to be the selfish ones and reach out for help. Of course, we reached out to family.

Adam and I had to make the hard decision: I take care of the baby and he takes care of Kaden. PERIOD. There are two kids and two parents. It has to be done.

The week leading up to my admittance Adam worked long days and took care of Kaden as I rested upstairs. We were trying to avoid admittance. I know these days were difficult in caring for Kaden and worrying about us upstairs. Thank goodness for Curt who checked in on my boys keeping them company and bringing laughter to our son! Adam made me follow all the orders. I was under his house arrest.

Last week I was overfilled with gratitude.

I was supposed to work and without question Toni was happy to go in for me. This was a huge relief, for someone has to feed the burger hungry microbrew seeking population. I worried Mom would have to work (much past her already) longer hours due to me. In my book this was unacceptable. So, I am very appreciative to Toni for picking up those days so I could concentrate on us.

Monday, my first day of full bed rest. What a miserable day. I thought the previous week was stinky being on moderate rest. How wrong I was. I felt fine, but forced into bed and was able to get up to use the bathroom. Sex and the City Marathon it was.

Thank goodness for Lynda. She came at 9 Monday staying until 3:30. All day I heard her playing with Kaden. During the moments he was upset I was only steps away and could do nothing. It is surreal to watch someone else care for your child as you stand there doing nothing. It was emotional to tell my son I couldn’t pick him up as he is crying and reaching for me. I pass him off to someone else. It makes my stomach uneasy even a week later.

Tuesday, after nap Inz and Josh came for Kaden. One more day of full bed rest to (hopefully) stop the ailments. I can tell I am not fairing well. I feel weaker and weaker. I am surely not going to tell anyone this. I know Providence is just waiting to win this battle. And they win. I have to go in. I am not calm and Adam is at work. Perfect. What do we do with Kaden? What do I do with me? Oh gosh… I recite our mantra and remind Adam of it as well.

Keeping to our promise I went to Providence and Adam stayed behind to see Kaden and take over some necessities needed for a longer stay. Adam met me up there after the 3rd and successful IV poke, but just in time for the blood draw. I want out and do anything to be released. The medication and fluids make me feel so much better. My throat is no longer dry. My lips do not fix together like they have been glued. The cramping is lessening; I am able to hold down water. Good signs mean I go home. WOOT.

Auntie Lynda took a personal day on Wednesday to help if needed. I was optimistic. And soon, I was calling in the favors! I reverted with my ailments. I had a couple r/x’s and needed some simple foods from the market. It has to be such an inconvenience to come just for those tasks. And she did so with a smile and good conversation. I wasn’t good company, but I enjoyed having her here as I was still laid out.

Lynda leaves and I rest. I give it 8 hours and it becomes more intense.

As each of my days became harder Mom answered phone calls day and night also helping Adam with his uneasy and anxious feelings. She listened calmly as my whimpering became more difficult to understand. And no she were never “helpless” I needed her voice and it did what it was supposed to, for it reaffirmed that the hospital is where I needed to be not where I should be avoiding. Her mommy job was soon known once I had orders for my second admittance.

Mom was my chauffer, sense of calm, humor and love on this night. She held my hand during all three IV attempts. Okay, so she left to feed her hungry pains and left me alone as the IV therapist arrived to poke me. But this last round was quick and painless, so I forgave her. The 5 attempts at my blood draw were almost too much for me; I could see this in her eyes as phlebotomist repeatedly poked at me moving the needle around under the surface of my skin and had the never to call in a new poker person. Thank goodness for the nurse and midwife who even said enough is enough and I couldn’t take this anymore. And bam, the blood was taken. I was continuously calmed by Mom’s tender touch and conversations. She was a definite help to me.

Adam came later sitting in the lobby for most of the ‘fun’. The room was buzzing with too many people. I was starting to feel like a lab rat wanting it over vs. waiting for someone to enter the room so we could resume. He waited patiently to see us. I was relieved to tell him the dilation had stopped. We cried. He stayed until I began to fall asleep. He wanted to sleep in the room, but we have our mantra. I would see him in the morning.

The Church’s oh the Church’s. I am constantly telling Adam how lucky he (we) are to have the grandparent’s he (we) do. They came on Tuesday to take Mister for the day. They didn’t know they would have him through Thursday afternoon. SURPRISE! Between grandma, grandpa and Josh’s treatment I am sure Kaden felt like he was at Summer Camp. Kaden had long sleepless nights of being off schedule and in a different crib. Josh and Inez took turns caring for him through these hard nights and never have they grumbled. They helped to eliminate the anxiety of Kaden’s care so we could focus on my care. Grandma made us a couple homemade dinners and filled the freezer with quick dinner options. How awesome! What a gift to give after having our child for three days. I didn’t have to worry about the lack of groceries in the cupboard or if Adam was eating. He tends to not eat during times of stress.

Come to find out Great Grandma Rardin called NINE times to check on our status. When she couldn’t get Adam called Curt and the Church’s to ask about, “Our girl,” which is touching. We received so many wishes and blessings during the week. Our little family is surely wrapped in love.

It was several solid days of worry and concern. Today, we are doing well. My brusing has almost disappeared. I can hold Kaden without tender wrists or cramping. Life is moving forward while we PATIENTLY wait out the fullterm birth of Littlest Rardin.

It takes a village to raise a child. It does.

Over the last year I tweaked this proverb: “It takes a village to raise a new Mom.”

I am tweaking it again: “It takes a village to raise a family.”

My family is grateful for all the love, support and prayers sent our way from our village.

Butterflies

I was wrapping up my evening and as I was getting up I felt a butterfly. I felt the sweet flutter of our unborn child! This extraordinary first can’t be explained. It is shared only by women who have felt this flurry. As expectant Mom’s we try to give illustrations as to this feeling. Frankly, I don’t think the examples come close.

I am so happy to finally feel the Sprite!

I am the first to admit: I do not find pregnancy and delivery beautiful. It could be my track record, but I just don’t. I never have. However, I do find joy in its newness. I have a different appreciation this ‘round’. When I know I will not experience an event or occasion again I have a different perspective and appreciation. We do not plan to have any more biological children. So, all these flutters and flurries are cherished just that bit more.

As I feel Littlest Rardin move I realize it is something only the two of us share. It is our secret. When I was pregnant with Kaden I couldn’t wait for Adam to feel his kicks and somersaults. This time I am being selfish; I delight knowing this is our moment. Life is chaotic right now. The Sprite’s flutters will be a great reminder for me to slow down and enjoy these long days.

I cannot feel Littlest Rardin’s moves externally, but each internal move has forever imprinted my heart. It is exactly 20 weeks to the day. I think this week Mom said it best, “Thank God for Mud Pies and Butterflies.”

Amen.

Pokes and Pricks

What Makes ME Happy

A seasonal bouquet of flowers for no reason

My son’s laughter

Hearing the sprite’s heartbeat

Taste of fresh hot jam

Family days

My Dyson vacuum

The smell of rain on warm pavement

A chat over coffee with my Mom

My husband opening my doors (car, home and public) every day

A day of exploration with Auntie L

The first signs of vegetables in my garden

A date night thought out and planned by my husband

Family dinners with Adam’s (our) entire family

Warm sand on my feet

A long uninterrupted visit with my girlfriends

Definite change of the season

Planning surprises

Hosting parties and dinners

Baking a new dessert

Enjoying the dessert so much I bake it again

The color purple

A hug that lasts a little longer than the usual

Children sharing knock-knock jokes

Reading a child’s book

Uploading pictures off of our camera

Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread Latte’s from Mocha Express

Tulle skirts on little girls

Weddings

Homemade pizza

Dancing in my kitchen

Chocolate Cake… triple layered chocolate cake

Gelato

Double Margaritas on the rocks, no salt with a splash of OJ and Amaretto on the side

Crisp white wine on a warm afternoon

Sharing a glass of Shiraz in candle light and talking late in the night

Sunday morning breakfasts

Showers before 9:00

Uninterrupted sleep

Flip flops

Getting Kaden up for his day or from a nap… when he is smiling
A new dress

Pedicures

A new haircut style

Writing

Gift giving shopping

Candles lighting our home

Festival of December

Witnessing and experiencing the goodness of people

Papa’s Bean Dip

Freshly washed sheets on the bed

Hot chocolate

A text from Binks

Our cards from the Cowan’s

Lengthy texting conversations across time zones

As I write this, I have learned so very much brings me happiness…

There are days we need to be reminded in the simple happiness’s of our daily life. I had not realized how many there were in my life. I quit typing out the list, which was quickly taking on a life all its own. Let me be honest, as Domestic Goddess and Loving Mother I put my happiness towards the bottom of the list. Writing this list serves as a great reminder bringing ME back to the forefront, even if for only a few minutes. In starting the list I smiled and the smile grew as did the list. As I smiled I admit that I closed my eyes imagining I was experiencing some of these gifts. I was able to hear Kaden’s laugh even though he is not with me. I saw our family sitting around the Church’s dinner table. I smelt a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I felt warmth in my the summer sand as I wiggled my feet. I laughed at a recent knock-knock joke. I reflected on our favorite children’s book. I looked out the window in thinking about my time zone friends. All in all, it opened a flood gate of 'feel goods' in writing a silly and simple happiness list.

I hope my children know what makes them happy taking nothing for granted. I am not naïve. I know this is something learned over time and it is learned through teaching. I believe this lesson has great value in not only becoming a grateful human being, but knowing who they are as individuals. As their mother, I promise to do my best to instill appreciation in nature, family and every day kindnesses. I am not religious, but I am spiritual. I think to know ourselves we must know what makes us ‘tick’ able to recognize what forms our inner core. May my children realize happiness is found all around them; and it is their responsibility to take time (schedule it if needed) to smell their own roses even picking a few for their lasting enjoyment.