Lows and Highs

Am I drowning? I feel uneasy. I feel overwhelmed and perhaps lost. It is said, “The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” If this is true I wonder why my spirit feels broken. I have cried so many times in the last weeks my body inside and out should be clean- shiny and squeaky sparkling clean. I am not. I feel quite foggy, monotonous and dull. I have found myself in one of my life’s lows.

We all have periods when life seems to be riding along on a cloud. We sail and move through life as if everything we touch turns to gold. Life is good and there are no complaints. We also have periods when life is dark and lonely. Murphy himself could be lurking in the shadows for the reason that literally all that can go wrong is. Don’t say it and try not to think it, for fear something will be tainted. I knock on wood until my knuckles are sore.

I guess the purpose of sharing this is simple: Mom’s are human. I am a person. I write to share my experiences with you, so you know me. I also want to build awareness that I am not just Mom, but I am Nicole. I am a woman and a human being whom has concerns and worries as well as hopes and dreams. I also share this because I owe you boys an apology.

I may be experiencing personal challenges and hardships, but this is no reason to take out my stresses on you. I have realized during this period I have shorted you. I have given you less in my patience. I have presented you with less time. I have not offered my full attention. I have not been present. I am here with you every day, but as of late it is in body and not in mind. I am thinking of this-and-that. I am doing this-for-that.

I apologized to you both last night and I meant it. I am truly sorry. I cannot say it will not happen again. What I can say is that I am aware. I will continue to have self awareness and be optimistic this has been yet another lesson learned during my crash course in Parenting 101. As you get older I ask you to hold me accountable during these periods. Please bring me back to my center, which is smack dab between you two boys. I expect this of you as I will do this for you too. Accountability is an important virtue to uphold.

In sharing that I am not only a mom, but a person I never want you to be burdened with my stresses or concerns. One day you will understand what I mean by this, but I have found a secret place for my tears to land. It is not for your growing minds to be neither alerted to nor aware of what whirls around in my life. I know, “This too shall pass…” and in knowing this I need to remember who I am is not Nicole, but a Mom. Your Mom.

And being your mom is the highest of the highs my life will ever know.