Selfish

Having a second child has a learning curve that I didn’t expect. I figured I would weave myself deeper into my family losing more of my own fiber. This isn’t so. I have learned that I am self-seeking. Over the course of these last few weeks I have been reintroduced to me. In this introduction I have looked at myself both inside and out. I was beginning to wonder if I existed or if I was coexisting. I am glad to discover I am still in there, but the reality is I have lost bits of me.

As a parent and a partner we become selfless. I have put others in front of my own needs. If they are happy I am happy. I have been practicing this theory for as far back as I can recall; and what I have unearthed is if I am happy those around me are happy. So, it is imperative to take care of me. Let the selfish unveiling begin!
I have learned that to be the best mom, friend, wife, daughter and person I have to be selfish. I must treat myself to the luxuries of life. And the word luxury is used loosely. Anyone with kids can attest that a luxury is grocery shopping alone or getting a haircut. Funny how these times use to be considered tasks and as a mom have been upgraded to luxuries! Going back to my point, I have to go out and do my ‘own’ thing. I may need to force myself, but in returning home I am happy I did it. This ‘force’ soon turns into a desire and much more of a need. I need to nurture myself to nurture my relationships. Period. We all do.

I have taken on a physical challenge. I can’t hide from the fact that I have given birth to two children in 17 months. I am into my 30’s, which shifts my metabolism and heightens the need for both a dietary and physical fitness jump. I joined a gym. Dun dun dunnn. I started looking back on my life. During the periods of time that I felt good about my physical appearance I was obviously happier. If I am happier the energy around me is greater. It is almost infectious. Okay, let me be truthful. When I improve my appearance I feel more attractive. And in feeling more attractive builds my confidence, which is central to living my best life. Adam will call me beautiful today just as he did three years ago and genuinely mean it. He would disagree with the following statement: I owe it to him to focus on tuning my body. Just as I deserve this positive shift he too deserves a wife who is happy in her own skin. It comes with rewards (wink, wink)!

I am taking more time away from the house. I grew comfortable hanging at home day in and day out. I know it is hard to believe, but I actually became a social recluse. Thanks heavens I reached a point where I could no longer continue this behavior. I need out. At the end of the day the walls were closing in on me. I was suffocating in my own breath. I am the first to admit that I enjoy nights I am home ‘alone’ as Adam plays poker or goes to visit a buddy. I get the remote. I light my candles. I lay cuddled up without distraction. I can just be. However, I too have the social need to seek time with people outside of our home. I am back out enjoying shopping, pedicures, working out, writing, visits and lunches out. I selfishly take more and more of these times for myself.

I write. I try to find time to write one blog a week. I may not finish it (at the time), but I will always start one and always publish it at a later date. I write while Kaden eats his breakfast. I write when the boys nap. I write late into the night. I may be tired the next day, but to me it is worth a little bit of tired. I feel fulfilled. I think more than anything else I can do for me is keeping up on my writing. The time I am having right now gives me great relief and relaxation from the crazy hectic day. I have nothing to worry about other than my fingers keeping up with my thoughts. I just get lost right here in my own living room.

I have grown much more selfish over these weeks in my wants. And it is funny how in sitting here I realize that these wants are actually needs. I am growing more comfortable in being more self-interested. It challenges me daily, but I am making progress. I anticipate that in finding me again my family will also benefit. The boys will learn to continuously seek their happiness’s having hobbies and interests, which both stretch and challenge them enriching their lives by broadening their own horizons. I want Kaden and Ashton to respect and understand that each person has individual interests and it is a human need and a human right to seek and practice these experiences. Adam and I agree that having our own time and interests make us stronger as a couple. It gives us more to talk about at the dinner table. It helps to fill our relationship by feeding our personal needs. It reenergizes us to move forward through our hardest times. If I learned one thing from my own parents it is this: one person does not make for happiness. I want my boys to see this wisdom. There is much value to be learned in that short statement.

I am selfish. I serve my needs. I wake up asking myself what I need to be my best self. If I am not my best what can I offer those around me? If I have nothing to offer myself what can I possibly have to offer my family at the end of the day? There is more I would like time to do. I would love to read a book from cover-to-cover. At this time I make the choice to spend time talking with my husband before turning of the lights vs. reading the pages of a fictional love story. To curb the reading craving I read a magazine while on the elliptical. I would love to sew, but my kids need the space more (seriously).

It seems I lost myself in doing the things I love. Just as those who work out of the home stay-at-home-moms need a reality check. We too get in a working rut. It is our responsibility to manage and schedule our time off, for no one else is going to offer or schedule it on our behalf. Our short fall is not taking the same time that those who work outside the home do. We deserve a lunch break or a vacation too! I promise it is okay… no regrets and no ‘mommy guilties’. To be sure I take this time I put it on the calendar and tell Adam. As I look at the calendar I get excited for the day to approach. As I write this I am unraveling some truths I didn’t realize. I am afforded the opportunity to do a lot of things which are ‘me’ centered every day. How selfish indeed.

I cook. I can get lost in the kitchen making extravagant meals for us or for company. I love to garden. It is approaching farming season. I soon will enjoy this hobby and the reward in sharing it with others! I love photography. I may not have the time to edit all my photos, but I get to take pictures every single day. I like to be silly and fun and challenge my creativity. I do this day in and day out.
At the end of this life I want to have reached, explored and practiced my interests; and I want this same fortune for Adam. I want our boys to honor this. May they appreciate that what each of us needs differs and as they find their way through this life they give consistent thought to this necessity. Being selfish has a connotation that is anything but positive especially if it labels a mom. Although, I have to say being selfish has been anything but negative for me. I have been able to reintroduce myself to me. The person my parents raised. The woman my husband fell in love. The lady I became. The girlfriend my friends found fun. The woman my husband fell in love. The mom I strive to become.

In looking deeply within me I slowly notice I am missing slivers of who I once was. As I take more of a micro assessment I recognize I am not missing pieces of who I was once upon a time, it is quite the contrary. I have grown. These slices are areas I have stretched leaving gaps for more growth. I am who I have always been. Actually, I retract that. I am not who I have always been. I am far stronger, wiser, forgiving and giving. I like what selfish has bestowed upon me: my best self.