"Don't You Do It" List

I am amazed at some of the things I hear or read that I should not do while pregnant… I admit some make sense, but in fairness women have been having babies for a bit of time now and for years have been taking part in the list below. I have been making a list of some of my favorite “Don’t Do Its”.

DO NOT DRINK. Well, this may as well translate into you won’t get pregnant! Okay. Okay. Seriously, we created our children while using the ‘pill’ (yes, taken daily). Procreation had nothing to do with our lack of birth control. Although, I can’t write that liquor didn’t help in the act of intimacy which is needed to procreate.

What I really do not understand is the French drink wine daily. As a mother of a 15 month old in her 29th week of pregnancy I understand this cultural choice. It seems to be an intelligent social decision that is a tool used to keep peace and sanity among the community members and the home front.

Kudos to France.

DO NOT TOUCH CAT LITTER. No worries. The list is long as to why this “Don’t Do It” doesn’t pertain to me and sadly it has nothing to do with the disease and bacteria issues that are associated with the feline.
It is a boy job
I am totally allergic to felines
Cats gross me out
That being said, I agree with this statement. DO NOT TOUCH LITTER.

YOU ARE NOT EATING FOR TWO. Funny, I feel the baby all night long. I have seen photo after photo of the Sprite. I go to my prenatal appointments. I feel hungrier. Yet, said professionals have the bravado to say I am not eating for two? Do tell me what it is that I carry in my uterus. The old wives tale of the belief that pregnant women are eating for two, so eat according to your hunger has been nixed by medical professionals. They claim a measly additional 200 calories a day will suffice this living being. HA! I hate them.

I tend to go with the ole wives and their take on eating. If I followed the diet by increasing my calories by only 200 a day I would be practicing survival of the fittest and population control. Quite simply stated I would die. I would take Adam down too, for he would probably be my last meal due to starvation or purely from being irritated. Irritation and pissy behavior are side effects of starvation, which clearly and without question this diet would create.

NO INTIMATE RELATIONS. Did you read my first point that without the liquor there is little relations? All joking aside are ‘they’ kidding? If you don’t get the business in now it certainly isn’t going to happen as new parents! Intercourse is a proven way to move into labor… I plan to use this technique if we closely approach birth day without progress. Hell, I may even enjoy a glass of wine before and after.

DON’T EXERCISE. Well, this makes complete sense in reviewing what I have outlined above considering the calorie restriction. There really seems to be no need to work out. I shouldn’t have excess calories to burn! Plus nixing the Bedroom Olympics (a form of exercise, no?) reiterates this no-no. I wasn’t hip to exercising pre-baby, so no real loss here. Score for me! I do get in a great deal of daily Jane Fonda by being Kaden’s Mama. He is a mover, shaker and yes, dancer. Is dancing a “Don’t Do It”? I could be rebelling and not even know it.

SUSHI IS BAD FOR YOU & BABY. 911- Emergency: Close down Japan- STAT! I don’t think the Japanese know they are living life dangerously. Send an alert. I understand that certain fish may have more mercury or carry higher risks. That being said, in Japan it is a cultural experience to eat sushi as a dietary staple. For a country accepting abortions as being one of its major three methods of birth control and is considering a ZPG Plan I would say eating raw fish isn’t necessarily a huge concern. The Japanese are thriving in the (squished and tight quarters) people department. Maybe there is something to be said about eating shell fish…oooh la la.

WHO CUT THE CHEESE? So, I can’t eat raw fish and even certain cooked fish. There is now a list of cheese to avoid: Blue Cheese (a favorite), Feta, Brie and Mexican Style Queso. I am beginning to feel as if the American Society of Obstetrics and Gynecology is asking all pregnant women to hold tight to an embargo order. Basically, all pregos please note: If you are pregnant you may not follow the food culture of other countries. It is obviously hazardous.

Side Note:
So far, I have been told and shared that I am to eliminate certain foods from my diet that are exports from France, Switzerland, Mexico, Japan as well as a few states in the homeland Hawaii and Wisconsin. Oh, add China to the list because herbal tea is a “Don’t Do It”. Certain herbs such as red raspberry leaf are associated with contractions. I have noted this and may enjoy a cup of herb vs. the vino as the birth day approaches! Please know that I do feel better knowing I am allowed to eat a hot dog. The comedy!

RID THE NICCOTINE, CAFFIENE AND NARCOTICS. I don’t think there are more selfish acts then expectant women who smoke or use recreational drugs during pregnancy. Period. As a recovering smoker (hehe) I understand how difficult it is to stop, but it is our obligation to the life inside of us to do so. I was fortunate in not picking up the habit after Kaden’s birth. I don’t use drugs… Tums and Tylenol all the way baby. The caffeine is a toughie. I enjoy a ½ caffeinated Egg Nog latte weekly. I like a Pepsi here and there. I brew coffee very rarely. Ironically, it has been recommended by my midwives to have caffeine in order to eliminate or relieve my migraines. This comes from a conservative group of women. I guess if pregnant women have one of the above vices caffeine is so totally minor.

AVOID CLEANING. Done. I am home all day with a toddler… there is no longer such a thing as clean or tidy.

STEER CLEAR OF MICROWAVES & STRESS. Who is going to pay to board my toddler? Honestly, microwave and stress should be avoided during and only during pregnancy? Another ploy to keep us at 200 calories a day.

Well, sorry, Charlie. The microwave is the source that feeds my child and stress comes with my job as Domestic Goddess and Loving Mother. Considering microwave usage is evidence of lacking love and having stress is unlike a goddess I am sure to be demoted to being just a lowly domestic mother…

After creating and dissecting my “Don’t You Do It” List I can see I am losing my stripes…I am rejoicing in that pregnancy doesn’t last forever. I have hopes to be promoted back to my pre-pregnancy status of having goddess-love.


POST SCRIPT: Before the emails flow in about how I need to do this and you can’t believe I wrote that… remember I write with a little dab of humor and splash of sarcasm.