Doing Fine

I was on the phone. I felt brave. I sucked it up. It took all of me, but I went into the bedroom and grabbed all four sticking each carefully in my robes pocket. I quickly moved on my tiptoes through the back of the hallway into the kitchen. I needed to be as quiet as a hunter, yet as quick as a gazelle. I didn’t want to be heard and I surely didn’t want to be seen. Let’s face it- I was on a covert mission.

I basically slinked into the kitchen. I finally heard over the beat of my own heart and it was Barney counting in the background. I knew the boys were content in the living room. Who wouldn’t be with a purple dinosaur singing at you? I place my left hand carefully on the counter above the drawer. I place my right hand on the cold drawer pull. I feel my face getting tight with anxiety as I am bearing down on my teeth. With great caution I pull out the drawer and reach to the back. I feel around. Bingo. I found the scissors.

I proped the phone between my ear and shoulder. I reach into my pocket. I pull each one out one-by-one. I meticulously lay each one out on the counter in a precise row spaced evenly. I pick up the handle and hold it close to my body. I quickly grab the scissors and it meets the silicone. The sound is sharp. It is tough as if I am cutting through skin. I leave a clean slice. It was amazing how quickly I worked my way to the very last one. As I finish the last snip I dropped it, slid the scissors to the back of the counter and jumped back.

I did this without giving it any thought. It was almost liberating. And then I felt sick. I was going to puke. A rush of guilt floods over me. Holy shit; I cannot leave! Adam’s truck is broken and I have no car. I can’t fix what is done.

I slit every pacifier in our house.

GG was on the line. "Mom, WE just cut Kaden's pacifiers..."

Naptime is in 40 minutes and the remorse is becoming more than I can bare. I have been talking about doing this for over a year. I kept thinking it wasn’t time. We were having a baby. We were busy all summer. We were buying a house. It was the holidays. Etc Etc. I didn’t realize it boils down to when the parents are ready- not necessarily the child.

I was NOT ready.

I ran through the dining room and down the hall. I swung open his bedroom door made my way quickly to his bed throwing the four pacifiers onto his pillow. I ran out as though I had never been in there.

Nap time came. I picked Kaden up off the couch. He snuggled into my neck as I carried him into his bedroom. I put on music and laid him down. I wanted to cry. He grabbed my face and gave me a kiss, “lou lou, Mama.” I felt my throat cramp as he reached for the first “fyefye”. “I love you, too.” I whimpered as he put it in his mouth. He took it out and looked at it. He put back in. He pulled it out. He threw it. He reached for another one. I wanted to yell, “Don’t! Okay, it was me! I did it! I cut each one and I am SO sorry. I suck. You have the worst Mom in all of the land.” I didn’t say a word. I was frozen.

The second one went into his mouth. He yanked it out with absolute irritation. It was at this time now this chicken of a mom bolted for the door. I knew what was coming…

He screams like he was experiencing bodily harm, “Mama…Mama…fyefye!” This continues. After a while he tries a different approach. I hear in a confused and loving voice, “KK fyefye, pease, Mama.” I put my ear against his door and hear him catching his breath between each cry.

If I had a car I’d of swooped him up, loaded up Ashton and off to Toys-R-Us we had gone. I would have stocked up on the Avents. But, I didn’t. I just stood there with my heartbreaking.

His pleas ruined me. My heart never hurt for him more. I knew this first nap was going to be difficult, but I didn’t realize it was going to challenge my emotions. He screamed and cried. I allowed him to comfort himself and fall asleep. I wanted to go in and rub his back and hold his hand, but I couldn’t. I had to ride the course and let Kaden find his comfort. I sat in the living room and cried.

He took an abnormally long nap. I too take long sleeps after emotional excursions. When he woke he cried out to me. I came in and he rushed into my arms. I needed this more than he. I wanted his comfort just as he wanted mine. I am the person who sneakily trespassed, smuggled goods and damaged his personal items (no wonder teens want locks on their doors!) and I was to give him security? I took it… I held onto him so tight and covered him in kissed until laughter found us both.

The truth is I am ready as is Kaden. We are on day four and ya know what? We are doing fine.