My Apologies

I apologize. So much has happened that I have not kept up on over the course of the last two months. I am not going to be able to recall or recap all that I have not written, but I will do my best to highlight some of our events. Maybe this will make sense as to why I have been away….

Oct 24- Ashton you start pulling yourself up



Oct 31- Halloween: The Wizard of Oz theme



Nov 3- Last Boys will be Boys day at Pinecreek house.




Nov 4- Ashton you make it all the way up the stairs.

Nov 5- Homeowners: We received the keys to our first home! We received our keys at 4:30 meeting our agent, Troy at the house. We picked up a Papa Murphy’s pizza and had a carpet picnic in the living room to celebrate the occasion! Kaden, you love your bedroom. You show everyone your room. You are very proud of it. You actually give everyone the whole house tour!

Nov 6/7- House cleaning party: We received an abundance of love and help from friends and family for cleaning and moving!

Nov 7- Kayla’s baby shower: I hosted this with her sister-in-law Michelle.

Nov 13- Moving day: First night we sleep at the house.

Nov 14- ER Day: Dad had been sick for four days. He went to ER and has an intestinal infection (Salmonella). GG comes over and gives you your house warming gifts.



Nov 16- Kaden you discover Sparking Apple Cider. It is your new vice.



Nov 20: Migraine for Mom. I was laid out on the couch.

Nov 22/24- Thanksgiving baking

Nov 25- Thanksgiving with the Rardin’s at Great Great Grandma’s that GX2 made. We hosted Rardin’s Give Thanks Open House: We are hardly moved in and host an estimated 50 people through the evening. It was so much fun!

Nov 26- Smidge of mid-day Black Friday shopping with GG

Nov 27- Hosted first all ladies party: Pampered Chef for Darla

Nov 28- The Children’s Museum: Both of you had a busy fun filled day of running/crawling exploring and doing.

Nov 30- Ashton you have your 9 month appointment. I don't recall your exact measurements. Don't worry your info was documented in your baby book that day. It wasn't forgotten or lost... I remember you are 20lbs. This explains why I heave and ho to lift you in and out of the car. You big guy. Where is my baby?

Dec 1- Twelve Days of Christmas began with Kaden opening his special GG book and Ashton his ornament. It was also “Boys Will Be Boys Day” as Bryson came for the day. It was a day that I do remember so vividly. The three of you played mutiny like old professionals!

Dec 2- “Festival of December” kicks off with Zoo Lights

Dec 3- Bee and Kade make homemade ice cream sammies with the works

Dec 4- You double up in a cart for the first time. Babies no more.



Dec 8- “Boys Will Be Boys Day” Lil Bryson was all ours for the day



Dec 9- “Festival of December” PIR night

Dec 10- Dad takes Mom on a surprise date night. We enjoyed dinner and a hockey game! We learned skate lessons start at the age of two. I am thrilled! It was such a fun night out.

Dec 11- GG’s annual holiday party

Dec 12- Mom thought she was going to die

Dec 12/15: You two boys were very sick. You both had a cold that had you so congested you were throwing up all through the nights.

Dec 15: You boys are still sick, but being on day five of housebound was too much to bare. We drove through the DeLites of December.

Dec 16: “Festival of December” Aspen Meadow



Dec 17: Layla and Boo welcome BA2! I was asked to be at the hospital during her csection. I actually was the first person besides staff and parents to see him! 6lbs 13oz and 18inches long. Mom has baby fever. I asked Dad if he has the fever, too. It seems it isn't as contagious as I thought.



Dec 18: Milwaukie Christmas Ship and Bonfire. Mom packs away the baby frog jumper and pack and play out of the living room.

Dec 19: Meet Santa

I hope this list gives you a hint at just how busy we’ve been. This list is only of the BIGGER days. This doesn’t account for everyday life, unpacking or what my overly tired brain may have forgotten. Actually, my memory cannot be that bad. I simply looked through dates and recalled what we did that day vs reading it off of a schedule. I know. I impress you more and more.

I am back on track; and I am glad to hear the fast click of the keyboard keys once again. I was wishing for some time to get back to our journal, but days are not and never will be long enough. Life is about prioritizing. I cannot say that I didn’t have the time. We all have the time- always. It is how each of us chooses to use our time that matters. I chose to use the time doing other things. I will do my best to avoid making this mistake again.

Happy Festival of December, boys!

Holiday Cheer

It has been a season filled with much love and tradition. I can’t believe Christmas is upon us. It seems as though the calendar took a turbo pass through the months of November and December. I think this year we have more to be thankful then in years past. This is a blessing in of itself. As I see and hear so many people playing Scrooge or hearing the repetitive, “I just want it to be over. I hate it.” I cringe. As I wish for just one more week…

I would be happy for an extra day to enjoy the magic. The magic only this season brings.

I want to see your faces at the site of a lit holiday tree. I want to witness the pure joy and wonder the glimmer and shimmer brings.

I want to watch you, Kaden, at 6:30 in the morning choose the days 12 Days of Christmas package from your bag and then choose Ashton’s. You take the gifts to the living room and I set them on the mantel for evening to share in the delight with Dada and often GG. This year was filled with surprises from a photo book for Kade, Hallmark ornaments for you both and a ‘miscalculating’ penny bank for Sprite.

I want one more “Festival of December” hot cocoa event with TaTa. We drove PIR, Queen Anne (closed!), Zoo Lights (Kade for 9 days there after you’ve asked to see “oo iItes.”) and Aspen Meadow. We also checked out The Delights of December in Milwaukie and the Christmas Ship during the Bonfire. Next year we plan to rev it up with The Polar Express train ride.

I want one more “My First Christmas” onsies and silly Santa hat moment.
I want one more package to wrap, so Kaden you can pick out the best gift tag. You take so much thought as you look through the stickers. You even debate between a couple. When you choose you say the receivers name with pride and point. Even now this makes me smile.

I want one more day filled (literally from 6am until Daddy is home at 3:45) with holiday music. We dance and dance throughout the day. Ashton, you have even started finding your rhythm waving your hand in the air and giggle to a song.

I want one more day of Kaden asking to see lights after dinner. So, we load you boys up and drive around looking at houses between home and Gladstone.

I want one more day of hot buttered rums… well, okay I can have these well into the New Year.

I want one more day of hearing bells ringing outside the doors of the market. It is the Salvation Army. Kaden I give you the change from the cashier and a choice. You may put it in your penny bank or you may give it to the bell ringer. You have always chosen to put your change in the red ‘penny bank’ without hesitation.

I want one more day to catch the unexpected smell of cinnamon and pine.

I want one more day of Kaden asking or talking about ‘Sasa” (Santa). You call him on your cell phone. You speak about him through the day. You notice him in photos or packaging while we are running around town. He is your new friend.

I want one more day of listening to one of you boys opening “The Night Before Christmas” book GG recorded last year for the 12 Days of Christmas. I want to watch Kaden’s face as he hears GG’s voice read, “Merry Christmas Kaden; and to all a good night!” as each time is as if he heard it for the first time.

I want one more day to find an occasion to get all our loved ones together to celebrate our blessings.

I want one more day to tantalize the taste buds with Eggnog or Gingerbread Lattes.
I want one more day to sit in the early morning hours with the only light on in our home being the Christmas tree. We have enjoyed many buttered toast and juice breakfasts by the tree.

I want one more day…

I want one more day so others can take time to find the magic, too. It is here for us all to enjoy. We have all had a ‘bad’ year: tragedy, loss or life alterations. I know I have had my share of ‘hard’ years. However, at the end of the year I rekindle a newness brining peace and hope. This is what embodies the holiday; and I am so glad to feel it each and every single year.

I am looking forward to our holiday ahead. I know there is great wonder and exploration ahead. I am sure the wrapping paper will cover your little bodies ever so quickly. I am looking forward to bringing traditions your Dad has known as well as those I grew up with as we find our own along the way.

I want one more day to feel the magic. I do realize do indeed have more week, but this won’t be enough.

Thanksgiving

We have officially celebrated Ashton’s first Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful day. We shared dinner with Great Grandpa and Grandma Rardin, Great Great Grandma Rardin, Gx2 and Papa. Gx2 made a delicious dinner. It was so nice to sit around the table and enjoy everyone’s company.

In the middle of dinner Kaden you go to the potty with Dad. As we are eating we hear great exclaim and high fives being shared. Kaden went pee-pee in the potty! You return to the table very proud and excited to share with the family what you accomplished. You sit back at the table and nibble.

Thirty minutes goes by…

Kaden you ask Dad to take you to the potty. He does. Again, we hear Dad’s praise. Kaden once again you went pee-pee on the potty. I could barely believe it. You received a holiday cookie this go round.

Ashton you sat in your little red chair down on the ground eating away. You enjoyed the turkey and stuffing. To be honest you could not get enough. You would grunt as you needed your tray refilled.

We had to hurry home as our open house started at 5:00.

When we get in the door Kaden again asks to go to the potty. I can’t recall who took you. I think Dad did. Anyway, you went poo. It was as if Christmas came early for the Rardin Family. I was thrilled and pleased that out of all days this was the day you chose to use the potty. It gave me one more thing to be thankful for: successful potty training.

However, I write this one month late and I know how the story ends. You are not potty trained. It was not the beginning of training. You have been a few times since, but really no interest. It was just one more thing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving and to find hope in during the Christmas season. And that is okay. I know the it has been resolved that the New Year will bring potty training success!

Creating My Life- A List

1. Learn a language
2. Fly in a hot air balloon
3. Ride in a helicopter
4. Take a cooking course
5. Own a trademark
6. Visit every state in the union
7. Attend an Olympic event
8. Be published
9. Oprah
10. Learn to swim
11. Volunteer with CASA
12. Take guitar lessons
13. Take a trip with my Sister
14. Have a family (come one, come all) vacation to Disneyland
15. Renew wedding vows at years 5, 7, 15 and every fifth year thereafter
16. Walk a portion of the Arizona Trail
17. Go to an inaugural ball
18. Own a book store
19. Find my happiness
20. Be on a DIY show
21. Live 100% debt free
22. Swim with dolphins
23. Learn to knit and/or crochet
24. Give blood (at least three times!)
25. Road trip to San Fran with Auntie L
26. Own a boat with a cabin cuddy
27. Learn to play tennis
28. Take an art course
29. Reupholster a piece of furniture
30. Learn to sew
31. Go on an African safari
32. Take a train ride
33. Sing one song at a karaoke bar
34. Buy a home
35. Take sailing
36. Kayak in the sound
37. Camp in a national park
38. Vacation in a penthouse
39. Play $500 on red in Monte Carlo, Monaco
40. Attend the Kentucky Derby
41. Fundraise at a formal event
42. Blow glass
43. Ride an elephant
44. Plant a garden large enough to feed my family through the seasons.
45. Own 2 ct diamond earrings
46. Live abroad
47. Learn to can
48. Stomp grapes in a vineyard
49. Read “Gone with the Wind”
50. Eat lobsters in Maine
51. Soak in Greenland
52. Buy a cake from Cake Boss
53. Volunteer at a soup kitchen on a holiday
54. Cruise the Panama Canal
55. Go to Cuba
56. Go to the Santa Claus House
57. Oktober fest in Germany
58. See turtle hatchings on the coastline of Alabama
59. Go to Mardi Gras
60. See Rockefeller Center during the holiday
61. Cedar Point Amusement Park
62. Learn a magic trick
63. Become financially educated
64. Go to Graceland
65. Walk the underground tunnels in PDX
66. Make Chambord
67. ALPHA
68. Watch AFI’s list of 100 films
69. Take a trip with Darla, Mom, Kayla and our boys- 3 generations
70. Learn to make crepes
71. Plan an AOII reunion
72. Take a one day RT to LA to eat at Spago in Beverly Hills
73. Teach an adult to read
74. Jury duty
75. Own a beach property
76. Work a season in a tourist town
77. Go on an art tour throughout Europe
78. For a year challenge my market budget to be 1800.00 (35 a week!)
79. Witness Northern Lights
80. Ride along Adam
81. Madonna concert
82. Go on a silent retreat
83. Build with Papa
84. Live without technology for a week
85. Witness a shuttle launch
86. Do a scavenger hunt
87. Complete a crossword
88. Learn the game of cribbage
89. Study my family tree
90. Premier at Grauman's Chinese Theater
91. Horse Carriage ride
92. Earn my scuba certification
93. Build a house with Habitat for Humanity
94. Mullum Mullum Creek
95. Generational family photo- all sides
96. Hire an interior designer
97. Witness my children’s passion
98. Recognition on the Babble 50
99. Mend my past
100. Find my peace

The Day My Baby Was Gone

It was like most Oregon fall days- dark and dreary, but this is where the normalcy ends. Kaden stayed with “Amama” Glover for his monthly overnight. Ashton slept in a crib. He slept until 6:00am. This is two hours past his normal wakeup hour. As the day continued more and more developments unfolded. It is as though in one day my baby is gone.

Sure, he finally sleeps in until a normal waking hour and one would think I would be more grateful. I have been asking for a later wakeup, but I now realize I must be careful what I ask for. I didn’t know that when the 4am cries disappeared, so is my baby. He army crawls. He has such power behind his arm and torso it is astounding. He has been crawling like this for months and I am still surprised at how fast he gets from A to B.

Today, he climbed the stairs. He made it to the second stair and with all his might was trying to make it up to the third stair. He huffs, grunts and sighs. He screams with delight and excitement as he tries to climb up to meet Adam and I. We are both stunned to see he has made it up the flight so quickly. I of course tell him that is a no-no. And like his two-year-old brother ignores me and goes back again and again. He is determined to be up where all the packing action is.

As I am packing up the master bedroom I hear cheerleading and applause. I kept about my packing. I run down to ask a question. I learn that he just crawled on all fours in front of Curt, Cheryl and Adam. What? He did? I guess all that army crawling is for the babies. He is moving on… literally. I don’t acknowledge it. I cannot. I have to keep my head focused on my mission: packing. I cannot think about the fact my baby is gone.

His eye to mouth coordination is fantastic. He gobbled his peas and avocado at dinner tonight. I think he landed food in the target more times than Kade. He cleared his tray. I watched him and it was as if he didn’t need me, my fork and hand. All he needed was more food in front of him. He was eating dinner unassisted and all alone. His little grunt was my queue for more food.

He likes to wiggle out of my arms to explore on the ground. He goes from place to place in the living room. He is pulling himself up with balancing himself on hearth, laundry basket and anything else he can balance himself. If you ask me, Ashton is getting a little too bigheaded. I mean a crawler one hour doesn’t mean a walker the next. I understand parents are supposed to lend support and optimism, but sometimes ya gotta bring the man down! I am not above sharing that I am not ready to see him out grow the baby stage.

As if this day couldn’t get any worse.

We go to the mall for a little (when I write little I mean 15 minutes little as it was a nightmare!) time trick-or-treating. We are leaving and I am placing him into his seat. He is sitting straight up and down in his reclined baby carrier. He was fighting me as I was trying to place him back to back. He was getting fussy and pushing back. I had to actually use more force than one should have. Again, another sign he is paying close attention to his two-year-old brother.

I am all for my boys to develop. I want both of my sons to explore, challenge, study and discover self, things, places and etc. I just didn’t prepare to see so much development in one day! He was here last night and gone tonight. Who wants to lose their baby in one day? As I write this I watch him sleep in his swing and listen to his sweet little snore. I see him cuddled up in a baby blanket and hold myself back from grabbing and clinging to him. I cannot hold him back forever. And I cannot cling to him to bring comfort.

He cannot always be my infant wrapped and swaddled in my arms. He will not go on nursing from a bottle. He will not forever smile with only gums. Diapers will not continue to remain on my market list. He will not be my tiny guy for all eternity. But one thing I do recognize is that regardless of how quickly he develops and walks into life he was blessed as my baby as he is my youngest. Since I am told he is the last he will be my baby for all eternity.

Pumpkins for Punkins

What has eight kids under the age of three miss their afternoon nap with a paintbrush in their hands? Kaden’s Annual Pumpkin Party, of course! Our little guests consisted of Brooklyn, Bee, Bryson (zon), Sadie, Laney, Melae and Kaylee.

This is the second year for this event. For me, it signifies fall has arrived. I love going to the pumpkin patch, but this party screams: FALL. I look forward to planning it and this year started in July. I know. I know. I am a planner to a fault. Hey, but remember we achieve some good parties out of this fault! This year we requested that the guests arrive in costume or festive colors. Bee wore a witch hat and her wickedly cute tee. Sadie was Tinkerbell and Laney was a pretty pink/purple fairy. Kade you wore your’ I want my mummy’ shirt and Sprite you were christened with the “My 1st Halloween” onsie. It was fun to see that there was some spirit at the party. Dad and I wore our orange gear as did Lacey.

All the kids run amuck in and out. All received a pumpkin in coming inside. We lay plastic all over the kitchen floor to catch all the paint and masterful art that could bless the floors surface. Leave it to Ashton to take a big bite out of it before the guests arrive! All the kids sat down and wanted to paint. Stickers were an okay choice, but pens were better. Before I knew it we were in the midst of pumpkin artists. Brooklyn wins the prize with her very carefully painted ghost. Bryson wins the prize for most quickly bored. He wanted to be in the middle of the action not confined to Mom’s lap. Sadie wins for most thoughtful as she made one for little sister, too.

The kids seemed to really enjoy their time. The big kids (parents) were very gracious. What everyone must know is Adam and I love to do this. Boys, we want you to have magic. It is the gift of memories filled with tradition and fun. We want you to be surrounded by all things KIDS. The added bonus is for all of us big kids it allows us an occasion that we set time aside to visit and catch-up. We all have crazy schedules and these events allow all of us to slow down and touch base. I love this. It lets us all have a piece of magic.

Auntie Larissa cleaned up most of the mess. This was truly awesome. It let me snap pictures of all the fun and catch up to guests that I had not been able to visit.
Everyone indulged in cupcakes and mini candy bars with juice and smiles. There are many fond memories, but there is one I must share. Sadie is standing outside on the slide rubbing her belly announcing to Adam, Kayla and a few others, “It is time!” Adam came in to tell Hans his three year olds role play and it was time for her to have her baby. It was roll on the floor funny. Hans asks Sadie, “What are you doing?” She explains that she is having a baby and pretending to be a mommy. I laugh typing those words. Stop growing up- all of you!

We close the party with Kaden being an absolute pill and a kid group photo.
It was such a fun two hours. All the little’s left tired eyed with their pumpkin in tow. Kayla and I chatted up our typical storm out in the rain as Bryson complained with whines in the backseat of her car.

Next year, perhaps we will host it one week earlier and most will be old enough for a game. Ooooh, the possibilities of a bigger party! I better get to planning, now.
Thanks to GG, Great Grandma Church, Auntie Larissa, Layla, The Fradenburgs and Danette for brining all the little’s, which allowed all the fun to happen! It was neat to have Papa and Cheryl pop in to help Kade and Brooklyn with their painting fun, too. We will see you ALL next year.

Lows and Highs

Am I drowning? I feel uneasy. I feel overwhelmed and perhaps lost. It is said, “The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” If this is true I wonder why my spirit feels broken. I have cried so many times in the last weeks my body inside and out should be clean- shiny and squeaky sparkling clean. I am not. I feel quite foggy, monotonous and dull. I have found myself in one of my life’s lows.

We all have periods when life seems to be riding along on a cloud. We sail and move through life as if everything we touch turns to gold. Life is good and there are no complaints. We also have periods when life is dark and lonely. Murphy himself could be lurking in the shadows for the reason that literally all that can go wrong is. Don’t say it and try not to think it, for fear something will be tainted. I knock on wood until my knuckles are sore.

I guess the purpose of sharing this is simple: Mom’s are human. I am a person. I write to share my experiences with you, so you know me. I also want to build awareness that I am not just Mom, but I am Nicole. I am a woman and a human being whom has concerns and worries as well as hopes and dreams. I also share this because I owe you boys an apology.

I may be experiencing personal challenges and hardships, but this is no reason to take out my stresses on you. I have realized during this period I have shorted you. I have given you less in my patience. I have presented you with less time. I have not offered my full attention. I have not been present. I am here with you every day, but as of late it is in body and not in mind. I am thinking of this-and-that. I am doing this-for-that.

I apologized to you both last night and I meant it. I am truly sorry. I cannot say it will not happen again. What I can say is that I am aware. I will continue to have self awareness and be optimistic this has been yet another lesson learned during my crash course in Parenting 101. As you get older I ask you to hold me accountable during these periods. Please bring me back to my center, which is smack dab between you two boys. I expect this of you as I will do this for you too. Accountability is an important virtue to uphold.

In sharing that I am not only a mom, but a person I never want you to be burdened with my stresses or concerns. One day you will understand what I mean by this, but I have found a secret place for my tears to land. It is not for your growing minds to be neither alerted to nor aware of what whirls around in my life. I know, “This too shall pass…” and in knowing this I need to remember who I am is not Nicole, but a Mom. Your Mom.

And being your mom is the highest of the highs my life will ever know.